


glory and gore go hand in hand (that's why we're making headlines)

by paintedstudy



Category: I Was Born for This - Alice Oseman
Genre: Bliss Lai has ADHD, Enemies to Friends, Lister Bird has Depression, Multi, bliss pov, lister pov, yall ever seen that tag without the romance added before?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintedstudy/pseuds/paintedstudy
Summary: Bliss Lai and Lister Bird do not get on. Through years of having the same best friends, they have never once calledeach othera friend.Now, though, Lister is sober for the first time in years. Bliss is dealing with the pressure of attention from The Ark's fanbase. Things have changed, and Bliss and Lister discover they have more in common than they thought.
Relationships: Allister "Lister" Bird & Rowan Omondi, Allister "Lister" Bird/Jimmy Kaga-Ricci, Bliss Lai & Allister "Lister" Bird, Bliss Lai & Rowan Omondi, Bliss Lai/Original Female Character
Comments: 36
Kudos: 66





	1. The Party

**Author's Note:**

> **THIS IS NOT A SHIPPY FIC, I SWEAR**
> 
> this has been in the works since alice first said "dual narration with bliss and lister". this isn't a stab at the iwbft sequel, not by a long shot, but i wanted to explore bliss and lister's dynamic
> 
> thank you to everyone who's hyped me up about this before sharing any of it, @cauchemares and @torispring on tumblr in particular
> 
> content warnings for this chapter: implicit mention of revenge porn, implicit reference to lister's first time, and a brief moment of rsd

**Lister Bird**

**Bliss "Punches Nazis" Lai @blisslai**

@jimmykagaricci @rowanomondi @listerbird ://

I blink at the tweet, trying to process it. Bliss has linked an article about aeroplanes being a prominent source of global warming. And she has tagged me and the boys in it.

At first, I think it must have been a mistake. Bliss tweets about climate change quite a lot, so that wasn't weird, and she might have tagged me, Jimmy and Rowan by accident. It happens to everyone sometimes.

The thing is, though, Bliss has been carefully planning her return to Twitter for a while now. I doubt she'll have fucked it up.

And that's when it clicks, and I let out a laugh: she's indirecting us. Or...directing us, I guess, since she tagged us.

I tap out a reply to Bliss' tweet.

**Lister Bird @listerbird**

****

****

**Replying to @blisslai**

at least we don't use a private jet

Not my best. But I need to reply, because - well, because she tagged me, but also - I have to publicly show she's not offending me by tweeting this. The fandom will probably come for her throat anyway. They always do. It's insane.

That's why she went off Twitter in the first place. After being outed as Rowan's girlfriend, people started digging real deep to find dirt on her. People tried to get her personal information. A handful of people even yelled at her in the street. 

We got Cecily to help Bliss out with keeping it under control. But after word got out that Bliss and Rowan had broken up, somehow it got twice as bad.

Even though them breaking up is exactly what they seemed to want. That way there's no wrench in the works for the fucking Jowan shippers.

It's illogical. But these people aren't exactly logical anyway, are they? They fucking bullied a girl off of Twitter for being in a relationship with someone. That's _it_. That's all she did.

I think maybe Rowan's rubbing off on me. I've been with him and Jimmy a couple times when they're talking about all this. It's all such bullshit. I'm angry about it, by proxy, even though it's not really my place. Bliss and I aren't close, per se. She hasn't spoken a word to me about the shit that went down in those weeks after August.

Still, I know it fucking sucks. And I want to do something about it, but I can't talk to her about it. God knows I can't get the fandom to have some fucking empathy.

Helping her - for me, anyway - means a joking reply to her joke tweet. And that's fine. That's good.

That's all I have in my power to do.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

Every time I want to go out, I still have to take a moment for myself before I leave my apartment building. Like now, for instance. I’m getting off the bus, and my first instinct is to glance up and down the street - just in case. It's not like I'm fending off a panic attack, nothing that serious, especially not anymore. It's there, though - this tiny, insurmountable feeling of dread, because I know something could happen.

A reporter, an Ark fan, just someone who recognises me and sneaks a picture. I'm so aware of the possibility of it happening that the _probability_ of it is meaningless to me.

I'm getting better, though. I have a whole new therapist to work on this stuff with.

I’ve just turned onto the street of the HMV where I work, when my phone starts buzzing. I probably would have ignored it if it hadn’t interrupted the music playing through my headphones. Honestly, though, I’ll take any excuse not to arrive at work before I have to.

It’s Rowan. I grin and pick up. “Hiya.”

 _“Hey!”_ he says. _"What are you up to?"_

I feel my smile widen. Rowan sounds so much like a parent sometimes. "Uh- nothing, really. About to head in to work."

_"Oh. Bad time, then."_

"No, stay with me," I plead. 

He laughs. _"Okay."_ He's quiet for a while, and then: _"Can I ask a favour?"_

I roll my eyes. "What's the favour?"

 _"Can you look after Lister on Friday night?"_ he says, and I roll my eyes again. I know he can't see me but it's entertaining to me at least.

 _"Not even look after,"_ Rowan amends, _"just… keep an eye on him?"_

I laugh. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I say. I laugh through it, because it’s Rowan, but holy fucking shit. "Rowan, _why?_ "

_"I know, I'm sorry, I know this is terrible, it's just- Lister gets pissed at me and Jimmy if he thinks we're hovering- "_

"You mean he gets pissed at _you_ ," I say. Lister has a soft spot for Jimmy.

I'm not really supposed to know about the Lister-crushing-on-Jimmy situation, but Rowan tells me everything. More so than he does Jimmy, I think.

I don't know if that will stay true now that we're not together anymore.

Rowan chuckles. _"Yeah. Anyway. No pressure."_

"Yeah."

_"How are you? How have you been?"_

"Um…" 

I hesitate. There's something I really do need to tell him - I'm meeting up with a girl later today. A girl who I'm kind of seeing.

Maybe I should feel guilty. Rowan tells me everything, even about Lister, about whom I couldn't give less of a shit, and I can't even tell him I've found someone new.

"Dunno. Therapy's pretty uneventful at the moment."

_"That's...good?"_

I laugh.

_"I wanna see you soon. Outside of a party, I mean. You've gotta let me braid your hair again."_

I smile. "You braid my hair and I'll braid yours."

Rowan snorts. _"Not unless you're willing to twist again it afterwards."_

"Ugh, no. You know I don't have the patience for that."

_"Who the fuck does?"_

"Your team of stylists?" I offer.

 _"Oh, shut up!"_ He laughs. _"There's no team, we're on break."_

I grin. "Uh, anyway. See you Friday?"

_"Yeah, see you."_

He hangs up, and belatedly realise that I forgot to ask how he was doing. Not that he ever tells me properly when he's put on the spot like that. I don't think anyone does.

I'll have to call him later, after I see Nora. Who knows - maybe I'll actually tell him about her.

* * *

**Lister Bird**

"Okay, you picky bastard," I say to Jimmy. He glances up at me as I join him on the sofa and hand him my phone. "I need you to go through my contacts and make a list of the people you want me to have round on Friday."

He raises an eyebrow. "Friday?"

"Yeah." I look at him. "The party."

"Oh." He wrinkles his nose. "Why am I the one making the list?"

I pause, and smile at him. "Thought you might want a say in the matter, is all. I know you'd rather not be having the party, so…"

"Oh." He's quiet, and then I think I see a hint of a smile on his lips. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"And...you trust me with this?" He holds up my phone, and gives me a look that makes me think I absolutely should not trust him with it.

I snort. "Just don't go looking for my nudes, you'll be fine."

Jimmy begins to scroll through my contacts. "You have nudes?"

"Yeah."

He looks at me. "You joking, or…?"

I furrow my brow. "Don't make a big deal out of it, it's not that deep."

He shakes his head. "I'm not, I'm just saying that I'll laugh if they get leaked."

"Mm, no. My face isn't in any of them."

"Ah, smart."

Jimmy goes back to looking at my phone. He laughs. "Is 'Matty' Matty Healy?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"No."

"Ah."

"I'm glad you think so highly of me that he might actually want my number."

"Mm." He taps one of the contacts. "Have I met this guy before?"

I look at the contact, and try to think. "Uh...dunno. You've probably been at parties with him but I dunno if you've ever actually met him."

"Can you invite him? He's fit."

I snort. "No he's _not_. I'll see, though."

I'll admit, it stings a little. I know we've wordlessly agreed to never talk about it, but I have told Jimmy how I feel about him. It's burned into my memory. And I know I need to actually make a move before I can see what my chances are, but it's difficult not to take this as rejection.

I guess it doesn't mean much, though. God knows I've slept with people whilst being completely gone for _him_. 

"Okay." Jimmy holds my phone in front of me, and it has a different contact open, some guy Bliss used to volunteer with. "Hot or not?"

"Hot."

He shakes his head at me. "You're _wrong_."

"I am _right_ , I have exquisite taste."

I mean, I hope he takes that as the compliment it is.

He finds another contact. "Smash or pass?"

"Smash."

"Smash," he agrees, nodding his head. "Uhh...fit or...not?" He shows me another contact. "Fit or quit?"

I laugh at him. "That is _not_ a thing."

"It is," he insists. "I just made it up."

"Maybe as a slogan for a gym, or something, but not as a smash or pass rip off!" I laugh.

"Okay, okay," he laughs, "I don't know any others!"

I shrug. "Doesn't matter. Either way, he's cute."

"Yeah."

"Are you really choosing people based on whether you think they're hot or not?"

Jimmy snorts. "As if you don't do the same."

I shake my head. "Jimmy, I don't make invite lists based on people I could have sex with."

"I know." He looks at me and holds my gaze for a second, so I know he's being sincere. And then he drops it. "But looks must factor into it _somewhere_."

"No! Honestly, I just invite people who I'd have a good time with." He gives me a look. "I mean- "

But it's too late. Jimmy bursts out laughing, and I can't help but laugh with him. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"I _know_ ," he cackles.

Jimmy leans against me, and I wrap an arm around his shoulders. It's better like this - it soothes the dread I had about what he might find on my phone, because now I can see what he's doing.

We end up with a longer list than Jimmy set as a maximum, which makes me laugh. Jimmy hands me back my phone and sits up. "Okay. All good."

I smile.

"Thank you," he says, and I melt a little bit. Which is fucking ridiculous - how pathetic do you have to be to get sappy over being thanked?

I get up to leave, but Jimmy calls me. "Lister?"

"Mm?"

"Sorry for saying I'd laugh if your nudes got leaked. It wouldn't… It would be pretty fucking sucky if they did."

I cover my heart with my hand and grin. "You wound me, Jimmy."

He rolls his eyes. "That's not what I meant. Look." He stands up as well. "I just mean that it wouldn't be your fault, you know?"

"Oh my god, _stop_." I cover my face. " _Stop_. I get it. Jesus Christ."

"Okay." He walks out of the room. I'm left standing there with all the residual awkwardness.

I'm just about to look through the invite list once more, when it occurs to me that maybe the conversation Jimmy just had with me was really about something else.

Something I told him three months ago.

The thought makes me sick, so I return to my bedroom. I don't think I see Jimmy for the rest of the day.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

Meeting up with someone you're seeing when you're in the public eye, as I well know by now, has to be done in private.

For me and Rowan, that meant rented-out restaurants or buying off everyone in a venue so they wouldn't talk. On more lowkey nights, it meant him crashing with me at my mum's place, especially after parties or shows.

For me and Nora - the girl I'm dating - it means going to gay bars, followed by me walking her drunken self home.

Maybe it's a reach to say I'm in the public eye. I'm only recognisable by about half of The Ark fandom, the half that will die mad that I dated Rowan, and the likelihood of a stranger seeing me, recognising me, putting the pieces together about me and Nora, and then sharing it online is...small.

Still. I haven't told Rowan about Nora, so there's no fucking way I'm letting the word get to him from any mouth but my own.

And I don't mind this. I love these nights with Nora.

I met her a few months ago, before I broke up with Rowan. She's known about the shitty situation that was my life through the hardship of long-distance and the slightly lesser-known difficulties of being hated by a very specific group of 15 to 25-year-olds.

In the wake of breaking up with Rowan, I had worried that the shadow of my relationship with him would haunt me for the foreseeable future. I had worried about people using me to get to Rowan, and worried I'd never find the same normalcy I had when I was with him, and we were a secret.

And then...Nora was already there. Hidden in plain sight, as they say.

She drinks. I don't. There's only a brief window of time when we go out where I can kiss her.

"It's fine," she had told me. "I want to kiss you sober. I want to kiss you drunk."

"I can't," I'd replied, and left it at that.

And so the first hour of the night is always devoted to finding a wall clean enough for me to kiss her against.

Kissing her away from other people is precious to me. I'm used to secrecy when it comes to relationships, but that secrecy doesn't feel fearful. It feels like this is mine.

She has another drink, and another, and she drags me to dance with her, and I do. Hours later, at the door to her apartment, she turns to look at me.

"Thank you, for tonight," she tells me, like she always does. It makes me smile. Nora kisses my cheek and goes inside.

In the taxi on the way to my place, my thumb hovers over Rowan's name. I know he's awake. He always is at this time.

I should tell him. I need to tell him - I owe him this much. I'd also like to have the weight of having to tell him off my chest.

I stare at my phone. I press 'Call', and the screen changes to show it's calling him, and I press 'Hang up'.

I'll tell him tomorrow, at the party. That way it won't be out of the blue. I'll tell him then.

* * *

**Lister Bird**

"What does it mean when your ex-girlfriend calls you in the middle of the night?"

I'm sat on the sofa. Rowan is in the kitchen with Jimmy. I make eye contact with Jimmy and raise an eyebrow at Rowan's question.

"Don't have much experience with ex-girlfriends, sorry," Jimmy says.

"Me neither," I say.

Rowan closes his eyes. He only got out of bed ten minutes ago, and he looks about ready to go back.

That's something new about us three - because I can't sleep at the moment, I've become the earliest riser. I moved my stuff down to one of the spare bedrooms on the lower floor when we came home from Kent. Jimmy sleeps in my bed sometimes and he’s super grumpy if I wake him up earlier than 10, so I just leave and watch TV. The sitting room is my fucking kingdom right now.

"Bliss called you?" Jimmy prompts.

Rowan sighs. "Yeah. It's well weird."

"Didn't you guys used to talk at night, like, all the time?" I ask. It's not really a question - I know they did, because hotel walls are thin.

Rowan nods. He's just staring at his phone, as if it will give him the answer he's looking for. "Not so much anymore, though."

"Ask her tonight?" Jimmy suggests. "She's coming, right?"

"No, she didn't pass your smash or pass test," I say.

Jimmy smiles. I think we're alright, me and him.

"Yeah, she's coming." I get up from the couch and join the two of them in the kitchen. I take out a smoothie out of the fridge and drink it straight from the bottle.

"Gross," Rowan tells me.

I nod at him. "Ask her."

"Ask her," Jimmy agrees.

Rowan just frowns. I pass a look to Jimmy. He sort of shakes his head and rolls his eyes. I grin.

"Jimmy invited a list of people he's going to have sex with," I say, changing the topic away from Rowan's lingering feelings for Bliss.

Rowan smiles wryly. "Did he?"

"I did not!" Jimmy protests.

I drink some more smoothie. "Yes you did! I was there."

"I'm not going to have sex with _all of them_ ," he says. I snort.

So he might hook up with someone, then. I'll have to deal with that later.

"Anyway, I've got physio, so I'm gonna go get dressed," I say, putting the smoothie back in the fridge.

Rowan whistles. "Look at you, drinking smoothies and getting ready on time."

I blow him a kiss, but Jimmy snorts and cuts in with, "He ate five packs of Wotsits for breakfast."

"Shut up!" I shake my head. "So unnecessary."

Jimmy just grins at me.

I poke him in the side as I leave the room. He laughs and makes a grab at me, but I dodge it. I walk down the hallway but I glance back, and see Jimmy glaring at me from the kitchen. I smile and wave sarcastically as I disappear into my room.

Jimmy has been laughing a lot more recently. After the shock of, you know, me nearly dying fizzled out, having absolutely no responsibility to his fans and actually having time to devote to therapy seems to have taken its effect on Jimmy in the best possible way.

I’m so, so happy for him. And not just because seeing him happy makes me happy, either, which is something that would be true even if I wasn’t ever so slightly head-over-heels for him.

Which I am. But I’m coping.

I’m starting to think I’ll have to give up on him, though. Try my best to move on, even if it’s never worked before. I don’t think you can engineer that sort of thing.

Ever since I drunk-kissed him, I’ve had this nauseating guilt inside of me that never really goes away.

Because he didn’t want it, and I didn’t ask first.

I meant to ask.

The guilt isn’t something I’ve managed to get over, or at least not enough for me to ask him, properly this time, and take the rejection for what it is.

It’s sort of a lost cause.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

I arrive late to the party. Everyone arrives late to parties, but I'm roughly two hours later than I told Rowan I would be.

I called Nora and proceeded to lose track of time, and then I was stressed about losing time, and stressed about getting ready, and stressed about being late, and so I'm honestly surprised I made it here at all.

I text Rowan.

**(22:34) I'm here!! (to steal your Capri Suns)**

I put my phone in my pocket and look around. I recognise a couple of the people here, mostly from parties the boys have thrown before. The apartment looks different, though. A bit more lived-in than I remember it. It’s a bit messy, and there’s actual pictures on the wall, lots of framed posters and art. The latter is probably courtesy of Rowan.

The boys have had this apartment for years, practically since I first met them, but they’ve been on tour or in the studio near-constantly since then. Jimmy has said to me more than once that this doesn’t feel like home to him.

I spot Rowan and he grins at me. “Hi,” he says, loud over the music.

I hug him. “Hey.”

I follow Rowan to the kitchen and he hands me a Capri Sun. I sit at the breakfast bar to drink it.

"Lister has stocked the fridge full of juices and smoothies," Rowan says.

"How sweet of him," I say.

He shakes his head and grins at me. "Nah, they're for him."

My eyes widen. "Wait, seriously?"

"Yep."

"Shit, then. Good for him."

"Yeah, he went on this massive rant about how boring water is and it ended with him impulse-buying twenty fucking juices."

I laugh. Rowan joins me at the breakfast bar. He bumps my shoulder. "How you doing?"

I smile. "I'm alright, yeah."

"You're late."

"Everyone's late to parties."

"You aren't, usually."

I let out a laugh. "That is _not_ true."

Rowan laughs with me. "Okay, fair. You usually text me, though, if you're gonna be late."

I shrug. "You're on hiatus now. It's not exactly life-or-death for me when it comes to showing up anymore."

He raises an eyebrow. "Anymore?"

I shake my head. "You know what I mean," I say, and then I bump his shoulder. "We've got time, now."

Rowan hums. It takes him a while to say something, and I start to think I've done something wrong, but then he grins. "I guess we do."

* * *

**Lister Bird**

It's nearly 1AM by the time I'm tired of talking to people. Or...not tired of it, exactly. Everyone that's left is just too fucked up to actually hold a conversation.

I've been avoiding Jimmy all evening. I'm pretty sure he was trying to hook up with someone tonight, and I don't hate myself enough to want to witness that, even by accident. Especially since it means I'll be sleeping alone tonight.

Being left alone to my thoughts is literally never a good idea. I think that's why my drinking got so bad - I just couldn't stand to be fully in my head.

Like, now, for instance, I'm thinking about America. Once our hiatus is done, we're doing a new album and a world tour. We're going to break America.

I turned 20 a couple months ago. It was one of the worst birthdays I've ever had, because I still had a cast and for the first time since I was 14 I couldn't drink.

I mean, I could have. I didn't. And how did I get paid back? In headaches and low mood. I mean, Rowan made me a cake. That was nice of him. But I still felt terrible.

This whole thing is bullshit. I'm doing fine at the moment, sure - neither Jimmy nor Rowan protested when I suggested we throw this thing tonight. I don't _feel_ like I'm doing better, though, because I can't stop thinking about how when we break America next year, I'll be old enough to drink there, but I won’t be able to.

It's a small thing - it really shouldn't piss me off as much as it does.

"Do you think," I hear someone say, snapping me out of my thoughts. It sounds directed at me, and I turn to see Bliss approaching me.

"No," I say before she can finish.

She rolls her eyes, but she can't help but laugh a little. Two seconds, and I've already pissed her off.

"Do you think I should shave the side of my head?" she asks.

" _Yes_ ," I say immediately. No clue why she's asking me, but part of me is rejoicing at the act of talking to someone who's sober. "The fuck are you going through that's led you to that, though?"

Bliss huffs out a laugh. "Nothing. Well, same shit as always."

The fandom hating her, the lingering trauma of when it wasn't safe for her to go outside, online harassment. You know, the usual. "Yeah."

She looks away from me and idly taps on the glass of water in her hand. There's still music playing from the speakers, and there are a few people talking to one another around the living room, but all in all it's very quiet.

"Do you know where Rowan is?" Bliss asks. "I had him a while ago, but I lost him."

I shake my head. "Haven't seen him. Which means he's either passed out or playing Smash with Jimmy in his room."

She nods. "Or maybe he's with someone."

I look at her. I wonder if she knows how little Rowan has been able to get over her, and how unlikely it is that he's hooked up with someone in spite of that. "Yeah, sure."

Bliss quirks her eyebrows at me, which is something she does when she thinks I'm being annoying on purpose.

"While we're on the topic of hookups," I say, "Did you know that Jimmy invited people to this based on how hot they are?"

"Dunno how _you_ got an invite then." She flashes me a grin, and I shoot one back. It's mean of her to say, but I don't mind it. We both know I'm not ugly. That's why it's funny, I think. She’s basically the only person who jokes about it.

And then she says, "Ain't that what you do, though?"

I pause. "Uh, no. But you're not the only person to think that."

"What does _that_ mean?" Bliss grins at me.

"Why d'ya wanna know?"

"I've been trying and failing to find my ex-boyfriend for the past hour. I'm bored as shit."

I let my jaw drop. "' _Ex-boyfriend_ '? That all he is to you now?"

"Shut the fuck up. I just- need to find him."

"Oooh." I turn to her, suddenly interested. "How come?"

"Why d'ya wanna know?" she says, mirroring my diction surprisingly well.

I roll my eyes. "Did something happen? You moving away or something? You need to run the shaving-the-side-of-your-head thing by him as well?"

She laughs, shaking her head. "No."

"No? Then what is it?" She shakes her head again. "Come on, humour me!"

Bliss doesn't dignify me with a response.

I move on. "You talking to anyone at the moment?" I ask, because that's basically the only thing we've ever bonded over - our sex lives - as much as she likes to take the piss out of me for all of it.

I dunno. I've gotten some pretty funny stories about Rowan out of her in the past.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

For a moment, I'm terrified Lister has worked it out.

I just stare at him. He seems to be preoccupied with the cup of orange juice he has in his hands.

"No," I say, because even if he thinks he knows something, I can't let him believe that. "What about you?"

"I am," he replies immediately, and I let out a breath; he only asked so he could talk about himself.

"There's this cute guy," Lister begins.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. He's really fit, y'know? Ages ago, right, I got super drunk and made a move on him and he was not into it, at all."

"Oh shit, that sucks."

"Yeah. But," he holds up a finger, like he's telling me a story that has me on the edge of my seat. "I've been talking to him since, and it's all good."

I nod sarcastically. "Thank goodness."

He grins. "I know, right?"

"I thought you stopped seeing people?"

"I did. But this guy is special."

Ah. So it's Jimmy.

Lister sighs. I try not to smile, because I'm not supposed to know, but he's got such a clichèd lovesick look on his face, it's kind of sweet.

"Sort of difficult, isn't it?" he says.

"What is?"

"Hooking up with people when you're our age and don't drink. 'S not like you can be like, 'Hey, I think you're fit, please don't drink for my sake, even though that's the only thing anyone came here to do'."

"Hey, now. That's not the _only_ thing people came here to do. Some people came here to do expensive drugs and steal shit from you."

He laughs. "Yeah."

"But, you know," I say. "I can't imagine how hard it is for you, trying to hook up with people when you're an internationally famous celebrity."

Lister wrinkles his nose, and I'm suddenly overcome with regret. Fuck, that sounded so much better in my head. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"It's not the finding-people that's hard. It's the…I dunno. Convincing them you're worth not drinking for."

I glance at him and nod. That's a surprisingly gentle way for him to tell me to shut up and have a little empathy.

"You gotta get them early, I think," I say, and my voice sounds strangled. I clear my throat and pause to allow myself time to stop myself from crying. "Get in there before people start drinking."

Lister laughs.

I don't know why I'm torn up over offending him. I mean, I know why - it's the ADHD - but why _him?_ Jesus fucking Christ.

"I'll just stand at the door and be like," he pretends to shake an imaginary hand, "'Hello, welcome to the party, do you want to have sex with me?'."

I let out a laugh. "Genius, right? Seriously though, you might get some people saying yes to it."

Lister pretends to throw up. "I'd rather die, thanks. I have no dignity left, but that is kind of a new low."

I nod my head to the side. Part of me wants to make a joke, take the piss out of him a little bit, but I can't right now. Not without making myself cry, at least.

"Did Rowan ever stay sober for you?" Lister asks, leaning against the wall and turning his head towards me.

I don't meet his eye. It's too much right now. "Uh. Yeah? Kind of. He would ask me, sometimes, if I wanted him to."

Lister nods. He seems really invested in this conversation. That's kind of cute, I guess, if he's trying to figure out how to get Jimmy to stay sober for him. What a noble endeavour.

"He's the only person," I confess. "He's the only one who's ever cared to ask. And like, that's fine - it's just for the sake of hookups, isn't it? But I kind of wish…" I shrug.

Lister is still looking at me. I want him to stop. 

"You wish...what?" he prompts. "That you could have that again?"

I hesitate, then nod.

"But not with him, though, right?"

I smile sadly, and shake my head. "I've moved on."

"Oh shit, really? Good for you."

My whole body goes cold. Oh fuck. Oh, _fuck_.

I rush, trying to find a way to deny it. Nothing that comes into my head would sound believable if I said it. Fuck, what do I do? I can't let Rowan know from anyone but me.

Instead of confirming or denying, I just say, "Don't be a dickhead."

"I'm not! Honestly, moving on is difficult. It's good that you found someone."

I make a face, more to myself than anyone else. "Mm-hmm."

I really need to find Rowan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is my baby. pls talk to me about it on tumblr @paintedstudy
> 
> i dont have an update schedule


	2. The Phonecall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bliss and Lister start to find little things they have in common, and they don't know what to do with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i swear to god this isnt a ship fic. it just sounds that way no matter what i do
> 
> thank you for everone's lovely comments on chapter 1!!!!!!!!! ;-;
> 
> content warnings: lister forgets to eat breakfast at one point, and there's a short scene where bliss is panicking about being a woman alone in the city at night

**Lister Bird**

Dealing with hungover people when you yourself are not hungover is another thing that's new to me.

The morning after the party, I get up and do a sweep of the house and kick out the few remaining people passed out on the couch. It's so productive of me. I reward myself by making some juice and eating breakfast and then I just settle in to watch TV on the sofa.

Rowan stumbles out of his room about two hours later. I watch him fill a glass with water and take some painkillers. He drains the whole glass, and refills it.

"Good morning," I call. He glares at me.

I leave him be while he makes his breakfast. Well, for the most part, anyway. "Did you talk to Bliss last night? She was looking for you," I ask, because I'm curious about what she was going to tell him.

"What?" Rowan whips his head round to look at me, then winces. "I didn't- no, I didn't see her past when she arrived."

Ah. Oops. "Shit. Okay, nevermind."

Rowan frowns and focuses himself on the toaster. "Did she say anything to you?" he asks. He doesn't sound panicked, just sort of...sad.

"No. I asked her, but she wouldn't tell me."

" _Fuck_ ," Rowan whispers.

"She said she was gonna shave her head," I add, hoping to pull him from whatever he's worrying about. "Unrelated, but...y'know."

"She's shaving her head?"

"Just the side," I amend.

That actually makes him smile. "Legend."

"You seen Jimmy yet?"

Rowan shakes his head. He takes a bite of his toast and makes a face like it's the first food he's eaten in weeks.

"He got completely fucking plastered last night. Dunno if you saw that, but if he gets up before 12 I'll be impressed."

I nod. 

"If you bring him painkillers, he'll do anything for you," Rowan says.

"If I do so much as step inside his room, I'll be struck dead by his hungover grumpiness," I correct. Rowan shrugs. "You bring him painkillers."

"Mm. In a minute." Rowan walks over and sits with me on the sofa. He actually ends up watching TV with me for a good hour before he goes back upstairs. Admittedly, he's on his phone the whole time, probably texting Bliss. Maybe he just couldn't be bothered to go back upstairs right away.

I watch episode after episode of this random Netflix show even in Rowan's absence. 

Jimmy makes an appearance a few hours later. I check my phone - it's 11:52.

He does a full-body grimace as I let out a cheer. "Ro bet you wouldn't be up this early," I explain.

Jimmy mumbles something along the lines of, "'M not sure I _am_ up." I laugh, and pause the TV so I can look at him properly.

It really is a wonder he's up this early. He looks fucked out of his head. He seems to be coping alright, as he busies himself with a box of cereal.

I clear my throat. "Rough night?"

Jimmy just flips me off. He doesn't even turn to look my way. I'm dying to know whether he hooked up with someone yesterday, as much as it would kill me if he did. I can't just ask him, though, can I? So I just continue watching my TV show.

Jimmy, to my surprise, joins me about five minutes later, flopping down next to me on the sofa. Guess I'm popular with the boys today.

"I'm never drinking again," he announces.

"Yayyy," I say quietly. I pause the TV again. "Join me."

"Mm." Jimmy throws his arm over his eyes. He's so dramatic, I love him. "How'd you sleep?"

"Alright. As good as I have been."

He nods.

A little while ago, Jimmy started sleeping in my bed, most nights a week. We just happened to fall asleep together while watching a movie one time. He helped me get through the night, so Jimmy offered to stay with me again.

This is the first night I've gone without him in nearly a week. I sort of missed him, if I'm honest.

"What about you?" I prompt him.

Jimmy clicks his fingers softly. "Out like a light, but I basically drank myself to sleep and I'm still exhausted anyway, so…"

I make a sympathetic noise and ruffle his hair. It's greasy as fuck, and it's all over the place. Bedhead. Adorable.

He slaps my hand away. I laugh and switch the TV off for good, figuring the noise of it would just annoy Jimmy if I pressed play. I want him to stay for the moment.

"Were you talking to Bliss last night?" Jimmy asks suddenly.

"Yeah." Word travels fast in this apartment. "Rowan's freaking out about it."

"What? Is he?"

I frown. "Isn't he the one who told you?"

Jimmy ignores that question. "Is he jealous, or something?"

"No, Jesus Christ." I let out a laugh. "Bliss wanted to talk to him about something and Rowan's deeping it out."

"Oh."

I comb Jimmy's fringe with my fingers. It was sort of sticking to his forehead, and he doesn't slap my hand for touching his hair this time. "How d'you know that if Rowan didn't tell you?"

Jimmy purses his lips together. The corners of his mouth pull into a smile, like he can't help it. "She was complaining about it to me."

I make a noise of surprise. Jimmy snorts. 

"And here I thought she and I were finally bonding."

"What even is your beef with her?"

"There's no beef. She just doesn't like me."

Jimmy snorts sarcastically. " _Impossible_. Everybody likes you."

"Ha." _Sure._ "Did you have a good time last night?"

He hums. His eyes are closed. I think he might be drifting off.

I'm just going to ask him. "You hook up with anyone?"

Jimmy doesn't answer me. I guess he did fall asleep.

I start to consider whether I can get away with turning the TV on. Maybe I could try carrying Jimmy to his bedroom? But that's all the way upstairs.

I consider doing my room, but then I realise how weird that would look. It makes me feel guilty, even though I haven't even done anything yet.

Guilty for the implication of a thought. Incredible.

"Yeah," Jimmy says suddenly, snapping me out of my haze. I actually feel my heart sink.

I force myself to press on. "Was he hot?"

"Yeah. Don't think he's your type, though."

I laugh. God, how does that song by The Killers go? "Damn, I was planning on stealing him."

I see him smile. "What about your swearing off sleeping with people?"

I roll my eyes. "I never swore off it. Casual sex just doesn't appeal to me anymore."

At last, Jimmy's eyes open, and it's so he can look me dead in the eyes. I'm still petting his hair; the look hits me twice as hard since I'm just shy of holding his face.

"As much," I amend.

He hums. In agreement, I think. He closes his eyes again. "I want a boyfriend."

That word settles uncomfortably in my chest. "Yeah?"

"Mm. You were onto something when you said no one else gets it, though."

"Exactly. I'm never wrong."

Jimmy laughs at me.

"I wish I'd dated people while we were still in secondary," he continues. "Don't you?"

I don't want to tell him how often I imagine us, the three of us, living normal, anonymous lives. I don't want him to know that that daydream falls apart the moment I remember they would have ditched me years ago if they didn't need me as their drummer. "Yeah, sort of. But I didn't really like anyone back then."

I glance at Jimmy and find him watching me. _Back then_. Is that too close to me admitting I like someone now? That I like him?

Jimmy nods and curls up on the sofa. After some consideration, I remove my hand from his hair and leave.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

I always seem to remember I need to tell Rowan about Nora at the worst possible moment. Whenever I do remember, I get this deep-set fear because - _Oh god, what if Lister tells Rowan before I can?_ \- so you might think some of that residual anxiety would get me to actually call him when I'm not occupied with something.

But I didn't find him at the party, and the closest I got to a follow-up was messaging Jimmy the morning after:

**(10:41) Lister spent 20 mins last night talking to me about how difficult it is for him to find a decent hookup bc he's sober now. Will you please just fuck this poor boy**

He left me on read. I'm not sure I got through to him. Sorry, Lister.

I only remember that I never found Rowan in the middle of helping a customer a few days later. Which is fine, I've been doing customer service for long enough that a little swell of panic doesn't really throw me off my game. I get through the rest of my shift no problem, except by the end of it I have forgotten again.

I remember once I'm getting ready to go out with Nora the next day, which is just fucking perfect timing, and I get stuck in a loop of panicking and letting it slip my mind again for the whole of the night.

Lister is my main concern. I've been meaning to tell Rowan for a month now, but now that it's out of my control it's so much worse. I need to be in control of the situation - I’m the reason he might react badly, after all. I need to be able to pick up the pieces if it upsets him.

Not that I don’t trust Lister to be supportive like that, but...yeah, no, I don’t trust him. And if Rowan figures out that I’ve told Lister before him, that will be a problem too.

Luckily, though, I remember one night before I go to bed. I’m scrolling through Twitter, and it hits me, and so I keep scrolling through Twitter to psyche myself up.

I refresh Twitter because I’ve run out of good tweets. The only new thing I find is a tweet from Lister - a meme he retweeted from me. I’m so tired, I just stare at it for a little while. And then, suddenly, Lister’s name comes up on my screen - he’s calling me.

I don’t know why, but I pick up. “Hello?”

_“Hi, Bliss.”_

“What the fuck do you want?”

_“So rude, holy shit.”_ I hear him sigh dramatically. _“Nevermind.”_

I feel a pang of guilt. What if it was something important? “No, wait- Tell me.”

_“I just- “_ He hesitates. _“I can’t sleep. I’m going insane, and I saw that you were active on Twitter, so…”_

I drag my palm down my face. “Can’t you just wake Jimmy or Rowan up?"

_"Not really,"_ he says through a yawn. _"Rowan hates me, and Jimmy's mad at me at the moment."_

"Rowan doesn't hate you."

_"Agree to disagree."_

I roll my eyes. "Fuck that, Rowan talks about you all the time. I can promise you he doesn't hate you."

_"Hm."_

The silence that falls is awkward. I'm not used to being supportive towards him. I change the topic. "What'd you do to piss Jimmy off, then?"

_"I don't even know."_ He sounds resigned. I really do feel sorry for him for a second. _"He won't tell me."_

"You asked him?"

_"Yeah. He- he says there's nothing wrong, but. Y'know."_

That does sound like Jimmy - refusing to say when there's something wrong. Still. "Maybe there really isn't anything wrong."

Lister doesn't say anything to that, and I feel like an arsehole. "What'd he do that makes it seem like he's mad at you?"

I hear Lister start to laugh. It sounds hollow. He makes a tutting sound like he's kissing his teeth. _"I can't tell you that."_

I laugh. "What, you two secretly dating, or something?"

_"No. God, no. Jesus."_

If I didn't know any better, I'd say the idea horrified him. "Then what? C'mon, literally how bad could it be?"

He hesitates. _"I… It's just…really personal."_ His voice gets low towards the end.

"Okay."

I open my phone and text Jimmy-

**(01:27) You up**

\- and then Rowan, too- 

**(01:28) The boys are fightinggg what do u know about it**

\- because I figure that heightens my chances of figuring out what's going on. I put Lister on speaker and set my phone on my chest, so I can see it if Jimmy or Rowan get back to me.

_"Sorry about this,"_ Lister says.

"Don't be. I can hang up on you any time I want."

He barks out a laugh. _"True."_

I stare at my phone, waiting for it to light up with a reply. It doesn't.

_"Sorry about the other night, as well."_

"Hm?"

Lister seems not to hear me. _"I just- drunk people get boring after a while."_

Oh, he's talking about the party. "You'll get used to it."

_"What's your...thing? Your deal? Why don't you drink?"_

"Pretty sure asking that is as bad as asking a woman her age."

_"That's a very cisnormative way of avoiding the question."_

"Oh, shut up, you pretentious fucking wanker." God, why am I even still on this call? "No one should ever teach you terminology."

Lister just laughs. It's weird, it's like this is just banter. I think it _is_.

"It's a lot of things," I admit. I start listing them off. "Alcohol is gross, I don't like being drunk, they mesh weirdly with my meds, I hate being hungover," I pause, and Lister laughs.

"Also, it makes me anxious. Not the alcohol itself, but, like- thinking about how I'm going to get home. I just stress about it and end up not having a good time."

_"Yeah. Fair enough."_

There's a beat of silence. Then, _"You wanna hear my reasons?"_

He says it like it's the most interesting secret I'll ever have the chance of being privy to. It almost makes me smile. Almost.

_"I've been working on them with my therapist."_

The spirit of a middle-aged white woman must suddenly possess me, because I find myself saying, "Oh, go on then."

_"Alright. Coming in at number one, we have: Capri Suns taste better than vodka."_

"That's your number one?"

_"Well, no. My actual number one is disappointing Jimmy and Ro. But I thought you'd appreciate the Capri Sun recognition."_

"I do appreciate it."

_"Good. Okay, number two, we got: the killer headache I'd have if I did drink- "_

"Mm."

_"- And, you know, not almost dying again. That's always a good reason."_

I laugh. He keeps going like that. I learn that, apparently, he’s broken a bone ten times, and six of those times were while he was drunk. I'm certain that I'm hearing reasons he and his therapist haven't actually agreed on - some of the reasons he gives me are _definitely_ made up on the spot.

I wonder, absently, if he talks about this stuff with Jimmy and Rowan. He must do, I mean - they are his best friends. But something about the way he's talking makes me think I'm the only person he's told.

Maybe that's just the effect Lister Bird has on people.

A comfortable silence falls over us. I've given up waiting on Jimmy and Rowan to text me back. I've let my phone fall out of my view and I've closed my eyes.

Distantly, I can hear rustling on Lister's end of the line, but it barely registers. I should probably hang up so I can go to sleep.

_"Do you know what I found out today?"_

That brings me out of the sleepy haze I had fallen into. "Shoot."

_"My depression isn't going away anytime soon!"_ he cheers.

I snort out a laugh.

_"Uh- yeah. No, I went to therapy today, bright as anything, ready to dig into my trauma, all that good shit."_

"Mm."

_"And she hits me with, 'Since you're still experiencing symptoms of depression this far into being sober, we're going to start approaching it like clinical depression, not just an effect of withdrawal'."_

He puts on a posh voice - disconnected and rational, or exactly the sort of tone in which therapists tell you these things.

"Wow, love that for you."

_"Isn't it?"_

Quiet falls over us again, until Lister yawns twice in a row and announces he's going to bed.

The call ends, and I hardly wait half an hour before I drift off.

* * *

**Lister Bird**

I wake up, and my first thought is _Oh, fuck, not again._

I don't know what time it is. I know it's not light outside, but it's the dead of winter, so god knows it could be a reasonable time -

\- But I just _know_ it isn't. Because it's me.

I lie in bed, uncomfortable but unable to move, feeling like a corpse. Since I stopped drinking I've spent more time doing that than actually sleeping.

Especially these last few days. I wasn't lying when I told Jimmy I slept fine the night of the party, but going more than one night without him seems to have made me take a nosedive.

That's not true. That's not fair on him. I've had plenty of nights like this when Jimmy was sleeping in my bed. It's just a lot more bearable to wake up at 4AM with him next to me than it is to do that cold and alone.

One benefit to all of this is that I've had plenty of time to wonder why Jimmy isn't sleeping in my bed anymore.

It's not actually a benefit. It makes me feel like shit.

My running theories are:

1) I said something awful to him and I didn't even realise

2) My sleeping habits disgust him

3) I disgust him

4) He's realised he's uncomfortable with sleeping in the same bed as someone who tried to kiss him

5) He hates me

Hopefully it's none of these. I don't know if I could deal with him being mad at me at the moment.

Eventually I find enough energy to roll over and grab my phone from my bedside table. I go onto Netflix and pick the first film that sounds halfway decent. I make it halfway before I get bored and move onto YouTube.

After about seven meme compilations I distantly hear the sound of movement somewhere in the apartment. Probably Rowan. Which means it’s a reasonable time, and I could get up now.

I’ll get up in a bit.

* * *

I completely and utterly fail to get out of bed. I keep listening out for Rowan, promising myself I’ll get up and join him in the living room, until I hear him leave and think, _Damn it, just when I was about to get up._

Oh well.

I give up for the time being and return to looking at my phone. I work up to finishing the movie I started, then regret it once it ends because it wasn’t even good. I see a text notification pop up on my phone. A sick feeling fills my stomach; I’m not ready to talk to Jimmy or Ro today. Or maybe it’s Will, asking me if I’m coming to the party he’s having tomorrow night.

I’m dreading making that decision. I haven’t spoken to anyone about being sober except Jimmy, Rowan, Cecily and my therapist. I may be in an absolute state at the moment, but even I know it would be stupid to go to a party where everyone expects me to drink with them. 

Still. I haven’t seen him since we came back from tour.

I check the notification so I can read it without having to answer right away, and I frown: it’s from Bliss.

_(11:21) I hate memory problems_

It’s about as vague and peevish as is usual for our texts, which are few and far between to begin with. She doesn’t sound angry at me, though, which gives me relief - I really thought calling her last night had cemented our non-friendship for the time being.

**(11:24) where was the last place you remember it being**

She gets back to me almost immediately.

_(11:25) Fuck youuuuu_

__

__

_(11:25) Sometimes I think I forget things because I don't wanna think about them_

**(11:26) saaaaame i wish i could pick and choose**

****

****

**(11:26) wish i could forget 90% of the stupid shit i’ve done**

_(11:27) Lmaoooo_

__

__

(11:27) Crazy how I just conveniently forgot to have a difficult conversation

_(11:27) Like hmm I wonder why my brain decided to do that_

**(11:27) oh shit was it important**

_(11:28) Yeah lmao oops_

**(11:28) lolllll**

****

****

**(11:28) damn relatable content**

_(11:29) I know right_

__

__

_(11:31) Anyway I have to get to work byeee_

**(11:31) lol see ya**

She texts me again once an hour passes.

_(12:45) This girl on the bus keeps looking round at me_

__

__

_(12:46) If she’s an Ark fan I'm gonna cry_

**(12:46) oh shit**

****

****

**(12:46) give her a dead look? that always works for rowan**

_(12:47) Lolllll I've seen it it’s deadly_

**(12:47) stern dad vibes**

_(12:47) Fully_

I don’t know why Bliss has decided to text me so much out of the blue, but I’m grateful as hell for the distraction.

**(12:49) watch how shes just tryna ask you out**

_(12:50) Bet_

Our conversation ends there for a while. I start to think about getting up, but I’m not hungry yet so there’s no point.

I haven't heard the door to the apartment open or close all morning. I could probably get away with spending the day in bed.

_(13:08) ………….bus girl gave me her number_

**(13:09) DHFDSHJFH I WAS RIGHT**

_(13:10) Never felt relief after being asked out by a stranger before ! neat_

**(13:11) lol**

****

****

**(13:11) you get asked out by a stranger that often huh?**

_(13:12) Fuck off it's happened like twice before_

__

__

_(13:12) Mostly it's been guys tho_

_(13:13) And it's not numbers its “lemme get ur snap”_

**(13:14) damn**

****

****

**(13;14) closest ive got is “follow me on twitter”**

_(13:14) shdfdshfjddjhfs_

__

__

_(13:15) Ur full of shit but ok_

**(13:15) swear im not**

_(13:15) You're telling me no ones left their number after you get with them?_

**(13:16) well yes**

****

****

**(13:16) but then theyre not strangers ;)))**

_(13:17) Gross !_

**(13:18) did you death glare bus girl**

_(13:18) …………………...yes_

**(13:19) lol**

**(13:19) and she still gave u her number?**

**(13:20) thats dedication**

_(13:20) Literally_

__

__

_(13:21) rip bliss + bus girl_

**(13:21) F**

_(13:21) F_

__

__

_(13:22) Oh well its not like im single anyway_

**(13:23) please tell me youre going out with one of the fangirls who came to kent with us**

_(13:23) They're not fangirls omg u did them so dirty -_-_

__

__

_(13:23) Nah I'm not dating either of them_

**(13:23) ah man i wish you would. rowan would be SO PISSED**

_(13:24) Boy what is your beef with Rowan I'm so ??????_

**(13:24) i mean its not that deep but. if u know u know ;)**

_(13:24) Well that's not sketchy at all_

**(13:25) ;)))**

****

****

**(13:25) ask him hes the one with beef**

_(13:26) Hmmmmmm_

She doesn't text me again after that. I almost feel like I've let out some dirty secret band drama.

Someone knocks on my door. When I don’t answer for thirty seconds, my door opens to reveal Rowan with a bag of M&Ms in one hand.

“Oh my god, gimme,” I say, and he dutifully holds the bag out to me. He doesn’t even say anything when I take the whole bag, which makes me think this is a bribe of some kind.

I tip some M&Ms into my hand and shove them into my mouth. The moment I bite into them, my jaw aches in anticipation and I remember this is the first thing I’ve eaten all day.

“Jimmy’s ordered pizza for lunch,” Rowan says. “There'll be enough for you, too.”

Maybe not a bribe, then. Just a reminder to eat. “Let me know when it’s here.”

Rowan hums and goes over to my windows. He opens the curtains, the blinds, and then the window itself.

“It’s fucking winter,” I complain.

“Put on a jumper,” he retorts, which - okay, fair enough. I’m not even wearing a t-shirt at the moment.

I shove some more M&Ms into my mouth. “Bastard.”

He grins at me. I text Bliss.

**(13:34) nvm we dont have beef he just brought me chocolate**

****

****

**(13:34) my man now**

_(13:35) Be my guest_

Rowan sits on the edge of my bed and takes back the bag of M&Ms. He starts to eat a handful of them quietly, and a thought enters my head.

I put my phone down. “Ro, can I ask you something?”

He frowns. “That’s never a good sign. Go ahead.”

“Do you still love Bliss? Like...romantically, I mean.”

Rowan makes a face. He sighs. “Yeah.”

Well, shit. I didn’t expect him to be so honest about it.

He continues. “I dunno. You don’t love someone for that long and then just...snap out of it.”

I let out a hollow laugh. “Don’t I know it.”

He gives me a knowing smile.

I don’t know how or when it happened, but Rowan keeps making assumptions about me. More to the point, he keeps being _right_ about them. He clocked a while ago that I like Jimmy, and when he confronted me about it he didn’t even bother phrasing it like a question.

He’s also stopped giving me shit for sleeping with people. I didn’t ask him to. It’s just stopped happening, and that feels deliberate.

I actually think he’s trying now more than ever to get along with me. More than that - be friends with me. Like we were before the Twitter suitcases thing.

“Thank you for bringing me chocolate,” I say.

Rowan shrugs.

“I’m not having a great day today,” I admit.

“Mm.” He shuffles up the bed and opens his arms in an offering. I lean against him. He grabs the bag of M&Ms and places it between us.

We stay like that until the pizza arrives. I hear Jimmy shout for Rowan to get the door. Rowan rolls his eyes and rubs my back before getting up. After a moment, I follow him.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

Nora and I have been trying to find a taxi to get us home for forty minutes.

Honestly, it's fucking London - how far do you ever have to walk to find a fucking cab? But there's nothing. We've stood at all the nearby main roads, but all of the streets seem to be completely dead.

I've run out of data. I can't get an Uber or anything. Nora's phone is dead, and I feel so guilty because I promised I'd get her home safe and she isn't even mad at me for not being able to find a cab.

I have my arm around her so she doesn't fall over, and she's just gently fiddling with my gloved fingers in a way that would be soothing if I wasn't so fucking panicked.

We are two girls, one of us drunk, out in the city at night. Better than if either of us were alone, but there's nothing you can ever do to guarantee safety at this time. It doesn't matter how vulnerable we do or don't look - for fuck's sake, I _feel_ vulnerable. And I'm scared for my girlfriend's safety.

We turn onto a different street, and I scour the road for cabs. Nothing. Last time I saw one was twenty fucking minutes ago and it was already taken.

As I'm looking around, I realise that I recognise the street we're on. There are dozens of places in central London that look the exact fucking same, so I think nothing of it, but then it hits me that we're only a couple of blocks away from Jimmy, Lister and Rowan's place.

Oh my fucking god, we're only three fucking blocks away.

My phone is in my hand before I've processed it. I go to my list of contacts and select Rowan's name -

\- And I stop myself, my thumb millimetres away from the 'Call' button, because I remember that I _still_ haven't told him about Nora.

There goes that idea. Jimmy doesn't drive, so I can't call him to take us home. I could get him to call us an Uber, explain this whole situation to him. I’m honestly considering it; it’s fucking freezing out even with my puffer jacket. But I’ve already told too many people about Nora. I don’t want to expand that list any more before I tell Rowan.

Then again, Lister is probably up at the moment. And he owes me for last night.

I bite my lip. I turn to Nora. "Hey, I'm gonna call you a ride home."

"Fuck yeah," she cheers half-heartedly. I smile a little and call Lister.

He picks up almost immediately. " _Bliss?_ "

"Hi, how dressed are you?"

_"What?"_

I can hear him grinning, the bastard. "How dressed are you? I need you to come pick me up. Like, in your car."

That seems to knock some sense into him. _"Oh. Oh, shit. Okay."_

"Are you dressed?" I ask again.

_"Ye- Yeah, I am- Fuck- "_

I hear a thumping sound. "You good? Don't wake the whole apartment up."

_"They're both awake anyway,"_ he says dismissively.

"What was the noise about?"

_"Oh. I, uh- I dropped my shoe."_

I laugh.

_"Okay, okay, where are you?"_

"Y'know the road a couple blocks away from you with the Eat and the Pret side by side?"

_"Yeah?"_

"I'm there."

_"Okay. See you in a few."_

He hangs up.

It takes a moment for the whole thing to sink in. I just called Lister Bird, posterboy of idiocy and lateness and just generally being a disaster, to come and pick me up and he...agreed. Right away, no questions asked.

I'm going to have to explain a bit when he sees Nora with me, but he already sort of knows about her anyway. 

It's good of him. It's really good of him to do this for me. God, he must have been bored out of his mind when I called him.

Lister owns far more cars than any one person ever should. Which is to say, he owns more than one, and they're all bloody sports cars. I've never seen any of them, but he's not hard to spot.

He pulls up in this sleek, black BMW and rolls down the windows as he comes to a stop in front of us. “You wanted a getaway driver?”

“Mm.”

I watch Lister’s smile fade, and it makes me feel like shit. I would make a joke, but this past half hour has burned me out completely.

Lister gets out of the car.

There's a severe moment of quiet where he just stands with the car door open and I think we both realise how weird this is. We don't like each other. We aren't friends. We are amicable with one another because our best friends are the same people but if we're honest we've never properly gotten along.

It does mean something that he came to pick me and Nora up. It holds a weight that doesn't fit well into the space between us.

Lister opens the back door of his car and waits while I help Nora into the backseat. I make a point of being focused on fastening Nora's seatbelt so I don't feel like I have to say anything yet. I settle in next to Nora and absently watch Lister get back into the driver’s seat.

“If you speed, I’ll actually kill you,” is what I end up saying to break the silence.

Lister barks out a laugh. “Fair.”

"Also- thank you for doing this," I add.

Lister shrugs. "Who's she?"

I swallow. "Her name's Nora."

Lister flashes me a grin. "Is she the one?"

_Oh my god._ I feel myself start to smile. His is fucking contagious. “She is my girlfriend, yeah.”

"Oh shit."

"Mm."

"Okay. So are we headed to your place, or…?"

I shake my head. I give him Nora's address.

Lister pulls away from the pavement, and he drives in silence for a while. I focus on keeping Nora awake. I go to clear her hair out of her face, and hesitate -

\- But Lister knows, so I go ahead. Nora leans into my palm and a happy ache blooms in my chest.

"Does...does Rowan know?" Lister asks me quietly.

I shake my head. "No. I keep meaning to tell him. Keeps slipping my mind."

Lister nods.

"That's why I was trying to find him, at your guys' party."

He hums.

"How come you were up and dressed this late?" I ask.

Lister lets out a laugh. "Never changed into pyjamas. Just sort of forgot to, really. I didn't realise it was this late."

I nod.

I knew about Lister being depressed before he told me. There were a couple of days in the first month of the boys' hiatus where Lister didn't even leave his room for food. He had Rowan and Jimmy freaked all the way out.

I don't know where he is with that stuff now. I know he's in therapy and he's generally doing better, and he managed to get out of the house when I asked him, so that must be a good sign. 

Even if it's only because insomnia-induced boredom will let you do anything but actually sleep. I don't know. There are all of these weird sympathies I have for him on principle - or vicariously through Rowan and Jimmy - that I don't know what to do with. I can't help him out, that's for sure.

“Are you and Jimmy still in a fight?” I ask. Lister makes a face.

“Uh… I don’t know?” he offers. “Like, I think there’s something weird going on between us. I don’t think I’ve actually done something to piss him off, though.”

Interesting. Maybe I did get through to Jimmy after all.

We get to Nora's apartment building. I get her up out of the backseat.

Lister ducks down to catch my eye through the open window. "I'll wait out here and then drive you home, yeah?" he says.

I hesitate but end up nodding.

It's really good of him to do this. I don't know how the fuck to thank him. I don't know if he even wants thanks - maybe he does. Maybe deep down he's one of those guys who does the right thing and gets pissy when it doesn't win him boatloads of praise.

I help Nora brush her teeth and get her to bed. I honestly consider crashing here. I'm so tired. But I've only stayed the night at Nora's once before. I would probably spend the whole night worrying about whether she'll think I've done something if she wakes up to see me in bed with her.

When I walk outside, Lister's car is still there. I'm honestly pretty surprised that he stuck around.

"All good?" he says once I get back in the car, passenger seat this time. "You took a while."

A retort is on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it back. He's still the one doing me a favour by being here. "Didn't want to just leave her in her doorway, y'know?"

Lister laughs. "No, fair enough." He begins to edge out of the parking spot. He's pretty tightly wedged between two other cars - I didn't even notice it when he parked. "S'good of you. I know for a fact that Jimmy and Ro are sick of dealing with me when I'm drunk."

I shrug. "Well, now you get to deal with them when they're drunk. Return the favour and shit."

"Ha, yeah."

We drive in silence for a few minutes.

I clear my throat. "Thanks again for doing this."

"No problem." He grins. "Hey, d'ya wanna crash at the apartment? I've taken over one of the spare bedrooms for the time being, and I'm guessing you don't want my actual room, but we still have one spare bedroom."

I chuckle. "That's such a fucked up thing to say. Who has two spare bedrooms? At your age? In a _London apartment?_ "

Lister snorts. "God, I know. I know." He taps his thumbs on the steering wheel. "It's just- Your place is another twenty minutes away."

I nod. "Yeah. No, I don't expect you to drive me there."

He laughs like I just said something ridiculous. "What? No, god, I would if you asked me to. I'm just suggesting it 'cause I know Jimmy and Ro miss you."

Sounds like bullshit. What he's saying is true - I miss the boys too - but it's bullshit that that's the real reason he suggested it. Still, I might as well.

"Yeah, okay."

* * *

**Lister Bird**

When Bliss and I get back to my apartment, it's almost 1AM.

"I'm back!" I announce. Bliss grimaces at how loud my voice is.

"Hi," I hear Jimmy greet. His voice is clear; he must be just down the hall.

He confirms my suspicions by walking out of the kitchen, holding a tub of ice cream and a spoon. He does a double-take when he sees Bliss, but then he waves to her.

Keeping my voice loud enough for most of the apartment to hear, I say, "I found this random fan on the street and I'm letting her crash here, is that cool?"

Bliss shoots me a look. "What are you- "

She stops when she hears the telltale _click_ of Rowan opening his bedroom door.

I snort.

"What? Lister, what?" Rowan yells.

Bliss scowls. "Oh, you fucking wanker- _He's joking_ ," she hollers. "It's just me."

I glance at Jimmy. He’s shaking his head with this massive grin on his face.

Rowan comes down the stairs a few moments later. He jabs a finger in my face as he passes me. "Don't joke like that ever again, I swear to god."

I offer him a grin. He ignores me in favour of hugging Bliss.

Jimmy's still watching us passively from down the hallway. I leave Rowan and Bliss for the moment and join him instead.

"What ice cream is that?" I ask.

"Salted caramel," he says, muffled by the spoon.

"Oh, you fucking genius." I touch my fingers to his arm as I pass him to get into the kitchen.

Jimmy chuckles. I retrieve a spoon from the cutlery drawer. I turn back to see him leaning against the doorframe. He's wearing boxer shorts and an oversized t-shirt, and - god, it's such a clichè, but - his hair is messy, and the sight of him actually manages to take my breath away for a moment.

He holds the tub of ice cream out to me when I get close enough to take it.

“You seriously shouldn’t joke like that,” Jimmy says. “If I didn’t already know it was just Bliss, I’d have pissed myself.”

I snort. “Yeah. Sorry.”

He waves his hand dismissively, then reaches out to take the ice cream back from me.

"How are you sleeping at the moment?" he asks me.

"In a bed," I say through a mouthful of ice cream.

Jimmy laughs. "No, seriously. Is it…better? Like..." He pauses, and I spot him cracking his knuckles around the handle of his spoon. "Are you okay on your own?"

I roll my eyes. "It's fine that you don't wanna sleep in my bed anymore, Jim. You don't have to be weird about it."

Jimmy frowns. "What d'you mean? I don’t- That’s not- "

"Then why- "

"- I thought you were- "

"- I thought _you_ were- "

Jimmy catches himself first, and then I shut up as well.

I'm also the first to break the silence. "So...you're not mad?"

"No, I just… You said it was okay, after the party, so I thought...that was an indirect, or something." He shakes his head. "Anyway."

Oh. God, I feel stupid for making a big deal out of it to Bliss.

I scratch the back of my neck. "So, uh… You tired?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna watch Netflix in my room until you fall asleep?"

"Yes, please."

I grin. He follows me to my bedroom.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

"I miss you," Rowan murmurs into my t-shirt.

Not "I've missed you." _I miss you_. As if we're thousands of miles away from each other again. As if I'm not holding him in my arms, right now.

He pulls away and smiles. "Hi."

"Hi." He's brushing past the whole present tense miss you thing. I let it go. "I'm crashing here for the night."

Rowan's grin just gets wider. "Brilliant."

He looks at me like he expects me to say something. I probably should, but the only things running through my mind right now are about Nora. 

_I almost had to walk home from central London in the middle of the night. I'm terrified about sleeping at my girlfriend's apartment. Oh, hey, Lister actually knows how to keep a secret. Who knew?_

I decide to head on upstairs. Rowan follows me down the hallway. When I get to the bottom of the stairs, however, I glance over and see Jimmy and Lister retreating into a bedroom together.

I frown at Rowan. He raises an eyebrow at me. I widen my eyes and look pointedly at the bedroom door. "Whose room is that?"

"Lister's, at the moment," Rowan says, still not catching on.

I gesture wildly. "Jimmy just fucking went into Lister's bedroom! _With Lister!_ All sneaky and shit!"

Rowan laughs. "Oh, right- no, it's to help with Lister's insomnia."

"Medically prescribed dick appointment."

"Nooo." He lets out a proper laugh, far too loudly. I shush him. He lowers his voice to say, "I mean, I don't know. But I don't think they're quite there yet."

I wiggle my eyebrows. "Wanna find out?"

Rowan frowns at me as I start to creep down the hallway.

"Bliss, no," he says.

I shoot a grin back at him and slide against the wall next to the bedroom door.

" _Bliss_ ," Rowan hisses. " _What are you doing?_ "

I press a finger to my lips, then make a show of cupping a hand round the back of my ear.

There's someone talking inside. I try to focus on the sound, try to discern whose it is -

-And it's neither Jimmy nor Lister's.

I tip-toe back to Rowan. "They're Netflix and chilling," I report.

Rowan shrugs. "I think they literally are."

"Alright." I hold my hands up. "Not my fault then if you see something you don't wanna see."

Rowan shakes his head, smiling. He nods his head in the direction of the stairs. "C'mon, I'll get you some clean bed sheets."

I follow him upstairs. The spare bedroom I'm staying in is on the uppermost floor. All three of the boys' bedrooms are on the middle floor. It's well cute.

I help Rowan put clean bed sheets onto the bed and covers. I sit down on the side and start to undo my shoes.

Rowan comes to sit beside me. I sit back. I've slept in this room a few times before, after parties where Rowan was too drunk for me to justify sleeping in his bed.

It's still just as bare as it always was. This apartment always feels too big for the three of them.

Rowan is watching me closely. “You good?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

He nods. “How come you’re, uh...crashing here? Did something happen?”

“No.” I say, and it feels like a lie. “No, I just couldn’t find a cab and I’m all out of data, so I called Lister.”

“Oh.” He frowns. “I would’ve picked you up, if you asked me to,” he says, quieter than he was before.

I scramble to think of a lie. I let out a laugh. “And miss out on a chance to nearly die in a sports car crash? No chance.”

Rowan doesn’t push it further, thank fuck. He chuckles. “Oh god, was it really that bad?”

“Nah. Lister’s actually a decent driver.”

Rowan scoffs. "Right. I'll take your word for it."

I grin. It's such a normal moment for us, more normal than we've been in a while.

I consider telling him then and there. I can imagine it going smoothly, as well. I imagine him grinning and saying he's happy for me. I imagine this knot of anxiety inside of me unwinding.

But it's late. It's late, and this is his apartment. I'd hate to have a fight and have to sneak away tomorrow morning.

I go back to making fun of Jimmy and Lister. Rowan tells me that Jimmy apparently slept with some guy at the party, and Lister's been acting weird about it.

Eventually Rowan leaves to go to bed, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Never a good thing.

I keep myself up imagining different ways our conversation about Nora could go. I find that none of the good ones seem realistic, and that nearly makes me cry.

I start to understand Rowan telling me he misses me while I'm here. Even though I'm over him, long over him, and we weren't the happiest couple before we broke up, I still miss the way things used to be.

I miss him. I miss him.


	3. The Other Person Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bliss and Rowan have an important conversation, and Lister goes to a party alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY this one took me a while. i'm pretty sure last time i updated we didn't even know that IANA was going to be illustrated, or that lister would be the sole narrator. still, i'm going to be on my blisster bullshit no matter what
> 
> cw for description of rsd, allusions to lister's first time, jimmy and lister forgetting to eat breakfast and one brief joke about wanting to die

**Lister Bird**

I wake up feeling rotten again. I get angry at myself for it, enough to convince my body to get up and go to the loo.

The apartment is quiet. Jimmy and Ro never get up earlier than 9 if they can help it. It's pitch black, as well, which is completely jarring. The whole world feels dead.

I go back to my room, too tired to get myself to do anything else. Jimmy shifts under the covers, then turns and opens his eyes.

I crawl back into bed. "Sorry for waking you," I whisper. It comes out sounding insincere, which just makes me feel worse.

"Mm," Jimmy hums. He shuffles closer to me. "Roll over."

He places a hand on my shoulder, the one that's nearest to him. I roll onto my side so I have my back to him. After a moment, I feel his arm slip around my waist.

I breathe in sharply. Jimmy doesn't seem to notice. I think he falls back asleep almost immediately, his arm curled gently against my bare stomach.

It takes me several minutes to relax against him. Not because I'm not used to hugging him, but he doesn't hug me a lot. I think he doesn't like to initiate that sort of thing.

Usually, when I wake up this early, I have to find something to distract myself so I don't do something stupid. Alone with my thoughts is pretty much the worst place I can be.

I feel the soft flannel pressed against my back. I don't like thinking about Jimmy when he's sleeping beside me. I just end up making myself feel gross and intrusive. But he's got his arms around me. He hugged me - how often does that happen? I've been a bit cautious around him since Kent, not wanting to make it seem like I expect something of him. I mean, I don't. But I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the reality of him hugging me, that he's comfortable with me despite it all, so I just let it happen.

* * *

By the time Jimmy next wakes up, he's rolled away from me in his sleep. I have my headphones in, but I feel the bed shift next to me. 

Jimmy turns to face me. He doesn't do much but stare at me for a whole minute. "Morning," he says, his voice breaking a little bit. He clears his throat. "How long you been awake?"

God, he's cute. "A while." Since I first got up, whenever that was. Hours ago, probably. "You know, I'm thinking of moving my stuff back up to my old room," I say.

"Mm. How bold of you."

I laugh. "Yeah. I mean, my leg's been alright for like a month now. Bit overdue, but anyway."

Jimmy hums.

I roll over and nudge his arm. "Will you help me?"

He groans.

"Please?" I add.

"You have barely anything that you actually brought down here."

"Uh, no," I say, and start listing things off on my fingers. "My computer, my speakers, my _clothes..._ I know I have a lot of shit but Rowan did help me move the bulk of it."

"Get Rowan to do it again, then."

I unplug my headphones, rub Jimmy's shoulder and look him right in the eyes. " _Please?_ "

I watch his grumpy expression soften ever so slightly. He sighs. "Fine."

I grin. He shakes his head and rolls away. I go on my phone and see I have a text from Will about his motive tonight. "Hey, Jim, you wanna go to a party later?"

Jimmy snorts. "You're really pushing it. Whose party?"

"Will's."

"Mm, no thanks," Jimmy says, not considering it for even a second.

"Worth a shot."

I switch the TV on. Jimmy doesn't watch at first, just content to scroll on his phone, but he keeps glancing up at the screen. Eventually, he gets invested and puts his phone down.

I wrap an arm around his shoulders. He leans into me a bit. I get to thinking about earlier, his arms wrapped around my waist. I doubt he even remembers. He was barely awake. Sad thing is, him spooning me is probably the most action I've gotten in months.

Near the end of the movie, I hear Rowan get up and start banging about in the kitchen. I tap Jimmy's shoulder. "Odds on Rowan making Bliss breakfast in bed."

Jimmy lets out a chuckle. "Hope not, holy shit. He won’t talk to me about it but he’s definitely not over her.”

“He won’t talk to you about it?”

“Nah. He’s refusing to talk to me about his feelings until I talk to him about my feelings.”

I glance at him. “Like... _feelings_ -feelings?”

Jimmy doesn’t say anything. He has this look of _Oh, shit, I shouldn’t have said that_ on his face.

I raise an eyebrow and grin at him. “Is this the guy from the party?”

Jimmy just looks uncomfortable. I swear, a full minute passes and he doesn't say a thing.

“Jesus Christ,” I laugh. “This is why Ro won’t talk to you about Bliss, then?”

He shrugs. He still stays quiet, which just makes me laugh more. I let it go. For the time being, anyway. I'm definitely gonna bug Rowan about it later.

This is fine. I've lived through Jimmy crushes before. Practically every crush he's had has come and gone within the lifespan of my own crush.

I just… I don't know. I thought that by now I'd be over him. That, or his next crush would be me.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

I keep pacing around my room. Not my room. The spare room of Jimmy, Rowan and Lister's apartment. I keep pacing. I promised myself I'd tell Rowan about Nora today.

I still don't know what I want to say to him.

After I broke up with him, there was no time for it to settle in normally. There was too much going on with Jimmy, and then Lister disappeared. Rowan stayed in Kent for a week to be with Lister while he had to remain in hospital.

He came home, and he called me to tell me he wanted space.

We haven't really talked about us since then. 

I don't know how he feels. I'd told him after I broke up with him that I'm not into him anymore and that I didn't think he was either.

That's still true. But I can't know for sure. I haven't even asked.

How do I approach this? Will he be jealous? Will it upset him? I don't know. I don't know.

This is why I haven't done this before now. My mind becomes an aggressive cycle of self-doubt and it only ever discourages me.

I have to do this. I have to get it over with.

I open the door, and my nerves hit a peak. Fucking hell, I can't speak to him when I'm like this. How am I gonna be the one to burst into tears when I'm the one who's moved on? Not that Rowan should be the one crying. Fuck, I hope he doesn't cry.

I force it down and get myself downstairs. Rowan isn't in the kitchen when I get down there, which gives me the chance to breathe while I make myself a bowl of cereal. I sit at the breakfast bar to eat and I get the horrible sense that this will be the last time I see this place.

I finish my cereal and lay my head on the marble tabletop, hoping the cold against my face will ground me. It doesn't. I decide I'll keep my head here until I feel better or until one of the boys comes in.

I think Jimmy and Lister are awake. Either that, or Lister is watching TV while Jimmy's trying to sleep. I can hear the muffled sounds of some movie coming from Lister's bedroom.

There's something off about it, though. Some of the sounds don't quite line up. I focus on it, and it starts to annoy me. It takes some convincing, but eventually I get myself to go and investigate.

I go up to the bedroom door and listen, at which point it becomes clear that the sounds I'm hearing are coming from two different places. I follow the other sound, and as I move out of earshot of the movie, I realise it's the sound of a piano. Really beautiful piano-playing. _Rowan._

I walk until I'm just a few metres away from the room where the boys keep all their music stuff. I sit against the wall and listen to Rowan play.

It's breathtaking. I've never had the patience or committment to learn an instrument. Rowan's ability to pick up basically any instrument and learn it is something I really respect. And he does it for _fun._

Piano was his first instrument. It's not exactly applicable to the electro-pop of The Ark's music, but Rowan practises anyway.

He's so good.

The piece he's playing comes to an end. I urge myself to stand up and walk through the doorway.

Rowan looks up at me and smiles. "Hi. How'd you sleep?"

"Good, yeah," I say on instinct. "Actually, terribly, but y'know."

"Oh." I go over to Rowan and he makes space for me to sit next to him on the piano stool. "You alright?"

"I'm fantastic." I swallow and press on. "I need to talk to you about something."

Rowan stiffens. He hesitates before saying, "Okay."

My heart is beating right into my throat. I breathe in slowly.

"I have a girlfriend," I say, and it's nowhere near as hard as I thought it was going to be. I continue. "Her name's Nora."

"Oh," Rowan says. "Cool."

Nothing more.

I'm not going to let this be awkward if I can help it. "I know we haven't really talked seriously about us since we were in Kent," I say.

I hope he'll say something I can work with.

Silence falls over us. Not a good sign.

Rowan closes the lid of the piano and rests his hands on top of it. He laces the tips of his fingers together, but other than that he's completely still.

At long last, he says something. "I'm really sorry, Bliss, but I'm gonna need some time to process."

His eyes are fixed forwards. I feel my heart sink. I go to tell him it's okay, but he speaks up again.

"I'm really happy for you. I am. I'm just… I'm still…" Rowan gestures vaguely. "Y'know." He clears his throat, and I realise what he means.

"Okay," I say. "Okay. That's okay."

 _It is okay_ , I tell myself. It doesn't work. It's like all of what I was dreading yesterday has come true. He needs time, and so this is the end. Nothing's going to be the same after this. Oh, god.

"Do you want me to go?" I ask him gently.

Rowan doesn't say anything for a long time. Later, I will realise that this is because he doesn't want to tell me to go. He nods.

I stand up and keep my head down as I collect up my stuff from the spare room and take my coat before heading out of the apartment.

I manage not to cry, but in my mind the world is ending. I feel horrible. I get a taxi back to my place and I call Nora the moment I'm through the door, willing my mum to be asleep so she doesn't ask me if I'm alright. Nora answers the phone, her voice groggy and disgruntled, and I remember that she must be hungover. She insists that I stay on the line, though.

I don't tell her what happened. What did happen? Rowan likes me still. He's upset about me having moved on. Everything is changing, and it's too fucking much right now.

She carries most of the conversation at first, for which I'm grateful. I regain my footing after a while and feel the edges of my panic soften. She talks to me about her headache, and the girl with a septum piercing she got to talking with last night.

"Swear, she was there one moment and then I blinked and she was gone," Nora is saying. "Couldn't even see her in the crowd around me. I think she was a ghost."

"Happens to everyone sometimes," I say, and she laughs. It's a good sound to hear.

We talk until we come to a natural end, and luckily by that point I've momentarily forgotten about Rowan. She hangs up.

It all comes back to me.

I promise myself it will be fine. He said he needs time - he's told me that before. Hell, I've told him that before.

It doesn't quite resonate with me, but I keep at it and I find my worries get duller, even if they don't go away fully. I'm content to wait this one out.

* * *

**Lister Bird**

The day goes by quickly. I watch three and a half movies with Jimmy before either of us decides to get something to eat. At some point, Bliss leaves, and I don't see any sign of life from Rowan, but according to Jimmy he's just holed up in his room.

I'm sitting with Jimmy in the living room. He's eating a bowl of pasta. I'm preoccupied with eating Doritos and an entire box of strawberries, and thinking about kissing him. I'm trying not to, and that has been working lately, but I guess I only get a limited grace period before I have to start yearning again. Probably a symptom of what this morning's impromptu cuddle-sesh has done to me.

Rowan appears in the doorway. "Hey," I call out to him, grateful for the distraction.

He walks in the room with all the dramatic presence of a storm and joins us on the sofa. He sits next to Jimmy.

Jimmy is frowning at him. "You okay?" he asks through a mouthful of food.

Rowan blinks at Jimmy like he only just noticed him. He takes a deep breath, and looks almost pensive as he says, "I think I'm gonna dye my hair pink."

I bark out a laugh. "Amazing. That's both of you, then." 

Jimmy whips his head round to glare at me. 

"Bliss is getting a side shave," I explain. "You're dying your hair pink. Proper breakup rebirth, and all that."

"Oh, fuck off, don't make it about Bliss," Jimmy says.

I shrug.

Rowan is staring at me. "How did you…?" he begins, then trails off.

I meet his gaze. In my periphery I see Jimmy turn to look at him as well.

" _...Is_ it about Bliss?" Jimmy asks.

Rowan sighs. "I mean. No? But yes. Kind of."

I start to grin. "Shit, really? I'm sorry, I was just fucking with you."

"Nah, it's alright."

"New era, then. We all need new looks for when the hiatus ends."

Rowan laughs. "Fully."

"Did something happen with Bliss, or…?" Jimmy asks.

Rowan see-saws his hand. "Eh, kinda. She's going out with someone new."

"Oh, wow," Jimmy says, and either he's suddenly really good at lying, or I'm actually the only one who knew about Nora.

"Yeah," Rowan continues, "I don't know. I feel like I'm fucking up completely with her. Like, I'm happy for her, but I feel like her moving on means she's _moving on_ , y'know? It's like...if I need space from her because of this, it's just going to make her leave faster."

"She's not going to stop being friends with you just because you need space sometimes," Jimmy reassures him, rubbing his shoulder lightly. "She knows it's not you pulling away."

So much for Rowan not talking about his feelings, right? Jimmy jumped so quickly to being supportive it almost makes me question whether he was telling me the truth about that. But he doesn't lie about that sort of thing. It's just like him to skip past the gloating opportunity and go straight to being a good friend.

As Jimmy and Rowan keep talking, I get the profound sense that I'm seeing something private. Like before, when I found them cuddled up in bed sleeping. It doesn't matter that they're not dating, at the end of the day - they have this whole world together that I'm just not a part of.

I finish off the food and leave them to it. On my way down the hall, I open my phone and text Bliss.

**(14:09) party tonight u want in**

She gets back to me right away.

_(14:10) At yours???_

**(14:10) nah at wills**

****

****

**(14:11) i asked jim but he doesnt like parties and im not gonna even bother with rowan so**

_(14:12) Aww I'm so high on your list of party buddies_

**(14:13) number three is pretty high!!! you are a valued potential party buddy**

_(14:13) Sweet as that is I'm gonna have to pass_

**(14:14) ah man**

I spend the rest of the afternoon doing random shit to pass the time before I have to head out. I manage to catch Jimmy alone around 6.

"Hey, did you know about Nora before?" I ask him.

We're in the kitchen. Jimmy is making himself some tea, which is a bit weird for an evening drink, but I'm not exactly in a position to comment about other people's bad drinking habits.

Jimmy frowns at me. "Who?"

"Nora. Bliss's girlfriend."

" _Girlfriend?_ " Jimmy echoes. "No, I- No. I didn't."

"Oh."

"Girlfriend," Jimmy says again. "Didn't realise it was that serious."

"Mm."

The kettle boils and Jimmy eyes me as he goes over to pour his tea. I fight back a smile.

He starts to smile as well. "How did _you_ know?"

"Bliss told me."

Jimmy snorts. "Since when does Bliss tell you anything? No offense."

"None taken." I shrug. "It's a recent development. She told me at our party last week."

Jimmy finishes making his tea and leans against the counter to drink it. "It's cool that she got with Nora."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Thought you didn't know her?"

He shakes his head. "I mean, I barely do. Bliss has mentioned her before though, I think."

"When she told me she was seeing someone, I thought it was gonna be one of the girls who came to Kent with us," I say. I hop onto the breakfast bar. "I assumed you knew one way or another."

Jimmy hums. "Nah, I thought the exact same thing. According to Fereshteh - Angel, y'know - according to her, Juliet is having a full-on sexuality crisis just 'cause of Bliss."

"Oh my god, seriously?"

"Yep."

I look at him. "You gonna elaborate on that or just leave me hanging?"

Jimmy makes a show of taking a step towards the door. "Don't you have a party to get to?"

He seems set on heading back to his room, so I follow him out into the hallway. "No fucking fair, dude. You're fully holding out on me. You've got a new crush, there's drama with Bliss and - Juliet, you said?" I shake my head. "Unbelievable."

Jimmy tilts his head and drinks some more tea. I wait for him to give me something, but he just avoids my eye, and I worry I've made him uncomfortable by pressing him about his crush. I change the subject. "I am probably gonna head out in the next hour or so. Wanna get there early."

"How come?"

"I haven't seen Will in a while. And I wanna have a chance to catch up with people before they start drinking."

"Mm."

Jimmy considers me for a moment. His stare is heavy. It isn't judgemental, I realise. I get the sense that he's thinking hard about something. I wonder if he thinks I'm lying, but he doesn't seem skeptical.

"I'll text you when I get there, hm?" I suggest. "And when I'm headed back."

"No," Jimmy laughs. "Uh- You're fine."

He doesn't stop looking at me. He takes another drink from his tea. I watch the way his hands move as he repositions his mug. He opens his arms, ever so slightly. "Hey, come here."

I push off the wall and bring him into a hug. His arms close around my waist for the second time today. Jesus. I feel one of his hands curl around my side, and the other he wraps firmly over the top.

Oddly, it makes me feel small. I've always thought there was too much of me for anyone to want it all. The way Jimmy holds me makes me think that maybe there is space for me.

I let him go, and I don't think I've ever been more regretful that I'm headed to a party alone.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

I spent most of yesterday crying on the phone to Nora about Rowan, feeling awful about dumping all of this on her, and lying in bed trying not to feel like I'm losing all my friends.

My Twitter notifications start blowing up around midday, and I manage to stop myself from seeing what the fuck the fandom has to say about me now. I force myself to delete the app for the time being.

Lister texts me an invite to a party that I turn down. Some time in the late afternoon, Rowan texts that he will call me later, and so I put my phone on sound and wait for him.

I try to rationalise my feelings so I can work out whether it's fair for me to be upset with him for this. It feels like I should - there's far too much inside of me for all of it to be irrational - but you can never tell with these things, can you?

The sucky realisation that he wasn't going to call me happens around midnight, and I fall asleep hours later after my brain finally decides to shut up.

To top it all off, I get woken up far too early the next morning by the sound of my phone ringing. I'm tempted to leave it, but I check the screen at the last second and see the name I both most and least expected to see.

"Hey Rowan."

_"Hey. You haven't heard from Lister by any chance, have you?"_

I rub my eyes. "No." Not recently. "Fuck, what'd he do?"

_"He's not in the house - neither me nor Jimmy have heard from him since he left yesterday night."_

"Oh. Fucking Christ."

_"Yeah."_

"I'm sure he's fine. All teenagers sneak out to parties sometimes."

Rowan lets out an aborted laugh. _"I know."_

"Okay. I'll text him, and I'll let you know if I get a response?"

 _"His phone’s off,”_ Rowan says quietly. _“I’ve called him a million times already.”_

“...Fuck.”

_“Yeah.”_

I hear him sigh. “He’ll be home soon, I’m sure.”

 _“He’s such an idiot,”_ Rowan says, and I don’t voice my agreement; he actually sounds upset. _“Okay. Thank you, I’ll let you know when he shows up.”_

"See ya."

I end up texting Lister anyway.

**(08:52) If you're dead I'm gonna kill you**

I’m nowhere near awake enough to properly process this whole thing, so I put my phone on silent and lay back down. As I drift back off, I thank past me for arranging precisely zero obligations for today.

I don't wake up again until past noon. I grab something to eat and work myself up to calling Rowan.

He texted me while I was asleep, saying that Lister got home safely. I haven't heard from him since.

I'll be honest, his phone call this morning was a complete jolt to my system. It's like yesterday never happened. Or, more likely, what 'happened' yesterday was all in my head. _Idiot._

I stew in my anger for a while then resolve to call Rowan, just to make sure this morning wasn't a fluke. It rings five times before he picks up, already in the middle of speaking.

"-st a minute, Jimmy- _Hi, Bliss,"_ Rowan says. _"What's up?"_

I hear Jimmy's voice vaguely muffled in the background of the call. "Nothing," I say, realising I just interrupted them hanging out. "It's nothing."

 _"Bliss, I am begging you to talk to me, it's been nonstop Lister talk all day,"_ Rowan pleads. Jimmy cries out in protest of that accusation. I let out a laugh, feeling some of the tension leave my body.

"Oh, really? What's happening?"

_"Basically, right- Actually, y'know what, I'll just give you to Jimmy, one sec- "_

There's some rustling, then complete silence. "Jimmy? You there, mate?"

 _"Yeah."_ Jimmy lets out a long sigh. He hesitates, then says, _"Lister slept at someone else's apartment."_

"Yeah?" I frown. Like, _yeah, good that he didn't just wander the streets the whole night,_ and then- "Oh. _Oh._ "

_"Yeah."_

"Well, that fucking sucks. I'm sorry, dude."

_"Mm."_

"Although…" I continue. "I feel like I should remind you about the guy _you_ got with just last week…"

Jimmy sighs, just before Rowan shouts, _"That's what I keep saying!"_

I laugh. I miss them.

 _"No, no, no- It's not… really that, I guess,"_ Jimmy says. _"It's more the whole...other person situation. Like I know technically it probably didn't mean much, but… "_

"You're still jealous," I finish.

 _"...Yeah?"_ he admits. He sounds like he's smiling. _"Oh, and he scared me half to death when he didn't come back until late this morning."_

"Mm. Any issues? He come back hungover at all?"

I feel a pang of guilt for talking about Lister like this. That's new.

 _"No. He was proper weird about the whole thing. He was like,_ 'I swear, Jim, you can have this guy's number and ask him yourself'," Jimmy says, and I crack up at his impression of Lister. _"And I was like, no, I'm not gonna harass the guy you just hooked up with who I don't even fucking know, like..._

__

__

_"But then he's like, 'Okay, then text Will and see,' and turns out Rowan's already been texting Will all morning, so it doesn't even matter, it's not even a question of whether he's been drinking- "_

"It's just the other guy."

_"Yeah. And- Like- I think even you get this, Bliss - when Lister hooks up with someone and you ask him about it, he's usually dying to tell you everything, right?."_

"True."

_"But that's the thing! He's not telling me anything."_

"You ask him to?"

 _"Well- no, not exactly,"_ Jimmy says, and Rowan lets out a cackle from across the room. I realise I'm probably on speaker. _"Shut up! It's just- it's like he's embarrassed? Or something?"_

"Lister Bird being embarrassed about sex? Are you kidding me?" I say, and - again - it feels wrong to reduce him to that.

_"Right? I don't know. He's just- I don't know. I don't want it to be that he's found someone he likes and he feels weird about telling me, because of- y'know."_

I fall silent. He's so close to what's actually going on, which is... Well. That Lister doesn't want to tell Jimmy precisely because he's still into him. And I know Rowan's thinking the exact same thing.

"He probably just got bad head or something, Jimmy, you're fine," I say, and Jimmy snorts.

_"Alright. I'm giving you back to Rowan now."_

I hear Rowan say, _"Thank_ you," and I smile to myself.

"Hi," I say.

_"Hey."_

"Am I on speaker still?"

_"Nope, I'm all yours."_

I hesitate. I find myself looking down and fiddling with the hem of my pyjamas. Just a reflexive response to uncomfortable conversations, I guess. "You didn't call me yesterday."

I feel like we're 16 and figuring out long distance for the first time again. _"Shit,"_ he says. _"Fuck, Bliss, I'm sorry."_

I hum.

_"I'll buy you lunch to make up for it?"_

"Today?" I ask. I've decided I need to see him in person to make sure we're not actually falling apart.

 _"Can't do today, we're moving Lister's stuff back to his old bedroom,"_ he says, and my heart sinks. _"Tomorrow, though?"_

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

_"Cool."_

* * *

**Lister Bird**

"Rowannn," I call as I make my way upstairs. "Ro."

I knock on his door. I get a muffled, _"Yep,"_ in reply, and I enter the room.

Rowan is sitting on his bed, putting his shoes on. He's wearing slim black trousers and a loose jumper, as well as some long necklaces and the variety of rings that he always wears. I whistle at him. "You look good, you going out?"

He looks indignant. "I always look good. Also, yeah."

"Fuck." I let out a whine, and flop down onto his bed. "I was hoping we could hang out."

Rowan finishes tying his shoes. "Really? What's up?"

"Nothing's _up_ ," I lie, "I just wanna hang out with you."

"Sure." Rowan pats my cheek unsympathetically. "Look, we can hang out tomorrow, hm?"

"Yeah."

Rowan gets up to leave, and I change my mind. "Wait- "

He looks at me.

"I just- " I struggle to find a way to phrase this that won't make me look like an asshole. I sigh in defeat. "It's about Jimmy."

I see Rowan's expression dip for a second, and I feel guilty for it. He's right, we don't ever hang out on purpose, just the two of us.

Rowan's face goes back to normal. "What about Jimmy?"

I clear my throat. "He's- He's being weird? I think he's still pissed about the party thing."

"Not much I can do about that," he says. "Sorry, Allister."

The shock of hearing my full name forces a chuckle out of me. "Fuck off, you sound like my mum when you call me that."

Rowan hums and sits back down on the bed beside me. "Seriously, though. You just scared him. You scared _me_. He's just shaken, I think, not much to worry about."

"Okay, but- " I sit up and turn so I'm facing him. "You heard the way he just- went cold the second I told him I stayed at someone else's place. You heard him go silent."

He frowns. "Yeah?"

"So, he's pissed at me for sleeping with people again!" I say. "I told him I stopped hooking up with strangers - he probably thinks I'm completely full of shit and he didn't even give me the chance to explain that it actually _wasn't_ a stranger, it was someone I've hooked up with before- "

"Lister," Rowan interrupts me gently. "None of that is true. Also, you don't have to justify it every time you hook up with someone new."

"I- " I frown. _"I know."_

I do know that. I just don't know how else to try and absolve the weird guilt I feel for it.

Rowan runs his hands down my arms. "Listen. I'll talk to you about this properly later. I promise you. But I really need to leave."

I feel myself deflate a little. I nod.

Rowan goes and opens the bedroom door.

"I'm holding you to that," I say.

I see him grin. "See you, Lister."

"Bye."

It takes me all of ten seconds after Rowan leaves for me to decide to go on a drive. Avoiding Jimmy isn't something I've ever made a habit of, but I can't stand the quiet of the apartment right now.

* * *

**Bliss Lai**

After a lot of discussion, Rowan decided to get us a 1PM reservation at this small but fancy place near South Kensington. We didn't rent it out, but he didn't seem to care and neither do I at this point. I still haven't re-downloaded Twitter. Maybe I never will. Who knows.

"-He comes up to me, all like, _'uhhhh Jimmy's being weird about me hooking up with someone,'_ " Rowan is saying, "and I'm like _yeah, duh, that's because he's super into you and jealous as hell_ , but that doesn't seem to have occurred to him at all. Like, it's not even on his radar."

Rowan started talking about The Jimmy And Lister Situation almost as soon as I was in earshot of him. The speed at which he's talking makes me think he might be just as uncomfortable as I am.

That's not right. That's not _us_. Rowan Omondi is my best friend. I've been pretty sure he's the love of my life for years now, even if it isn't in the romantic sense anymore.

"-And I'm trying to be, like, unbiased for both of them and it's killing me, like- " He pauses to take a sip of his drink. "At this point I might just throw trust out the window and tell them they're both being idiots and are completely into each other."

"Mmm, you and your notorious ability to keep your friends' secrets," I say. He smiles at the joke. "How ever will we work around it?"

"Fuck off," he laughs, and it's good-natured. "You're the exception. You know everything I know because I wouldn't survive otherwise."

"Fantastic."

"Mm."

We fall silent. I guess he finally ran out of Jimmy and Lister news.

I tap my fingers against my glass. "I deleted Twitter yesterday."

Rowan looks up at me and frowns. "Oh shit. Why?"

I meet his gaze and it overwhelms me. He's been so good about this whole thing. He's always hated his fans (he has reason enough to) but some part of me still doubted he'd take my side in this.

I shrug. "I didn't see. My notifications just started blowing up, and I was like, 'Nope! Fuck this! Not today!'"

Rowan laughs. "Fair enough. Hey," he nudges me with the toe of his shoe. "I'm sorry I was such a dick the other day, sending you home in the morning. I've been a bit all over the place lately."

I didn't think he would bring it up. "Yeah," I say. "Same, I guess. And it's…fine, really. You said you needed space."

He see-saws his hand. "Yeah, I think I just needed some time to process. But, I'm done now," he says, and circles a finger in the air beside his temple. "Done processing."

"Cool."

I'm not going to say it.

I scratch my arm and try to think of a new topic. "How's Lister doing? Generally, I mean. Outside of Jimmy stuff."

Rowan shrugs. "It's difficult to tell. I think he had a bad couple of days. But he doesn't really talk to me about it."

I nod. "He thinks you have beef with him."

Rowan raises an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?" He grins like I'm joking and sits forward. "How's that?"

"Dunno. He told me to ask you."

He shakes his head. His expression softens. "I think he's exaggerating. I mean, you know me and him haven't really been the same since the Twitter suitcases thing."

"Mm." That's what I guessed it'd be.

"I am trying," Rowan says suddenly. I watch his expression sadden. "I'm not upset about it anymore. I forgave him a long time ago. It's just...difficult sometimes. It's been too long."

"Yeah. I mean, I'm sort of trying to be friends with him at the moment too."

His expression lifts again. Clearly glad to move on from this. "No shit? I thought you hated him."

"Nah, he just annoyed me too much for me to want to be friends with him."

"Peak."

"Yeah. But, hey, he picked me up the other day, so that's something good."

Rowan nods. He smiles as he says, "Yeah, Lister's weird like that. Most of the time you can't rely on him for shit, and then out of the blue he's there for you exactly when you need him."

This is new. I think back to all the conversations I've had with Rowan about Lister in the past, most of them just mutual bitchfests. I wonder briefly if there's been more to it this whole time, if I've just never given him the chance to talk about it until now.

"I was with Nora, my girlfriend, at the time," I say, hating to bring her back up. "That's why I called him, instead of you."

Rowan considers me, then nods. He smiles a little. "Are you…? I forget, is she your first girlfriend?"

"She is." Something warm blooms in me. "Yeah. Kind of terrifying."

"How?"

"Ah…" How do I explain it? "I don't know. I've kissed girls before, but beyond that I just…have literally no relationship experience when it comes to girls. And like, theoretically, it's not that different, like…it's just a relationship. But, I don't know. There's all these other things, like… I haven't ever considered what it's really like for me to be with a girl. I still have all of this guilt and internalised homophobia that I've neglected to process even after all this time."

Rowan nods.

I shake my head. "Anyway. I didn't come here to talk about Nora."

"We can," Rowan insists, but he doesn't sound convinced - even to himself, judging by the way he grimaces.

I avoid looking at him and we fall silent again. I hate it.

"I'm sorry it's so shit at the moment," Rowan says defeatedly. It's weird - there's humour in his voice, but he's still being genuine.

I hum. "Kind of wish we could go back to three years ago."

"Before everything got crazy." Rowan nods in agreement. "Yeah. God. Me too."

* * *

The second time Lister Bird calls me in the middle of the night, I'm trying to draft an e-mail that I do not want to send. I pick up without a second thought.

_“Do you know who I fucking hate?”_

This kid does not bother with pleasantries. “Shoot.”

_“Jowan shippers.”_

Something clicks inside me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this connected to Lister. “Oh my god, tell me about it. They literally want me dead.”

_"Sometimes I think Jimmy had the right idea about running away to Kent. The fanbase scares the fuck out of me, I don't want responsibility over them anymore."_

"Sounds like you're doing great then," I say sarcastically.

 _"I mean, when am I not?"_ he says, equally as sarcastic. _"But, yeah, tonight is not a good one."_

I frown. "So you called me?" I ask, doubtful. It just slips out.

_"Yeah? We're friends now. We're insomnia buddies."_

I laugh, not knowing how seriously to take him. He moves quickly onto talking about something else. I'm content just to listen, chipping in here and there about what's happening on Twitter and all the rest of it. It's surprisingly relaxing just to hear his stream of consciousness.

 _"Did you know that Jimmy forgets his birthday every year?"_ he says at one point.

"Does he?"

_"Yeah. I mean, Rowan has to remind me every time, 'cause I forget it too- "_

I laugh.

_"- But it's kind of nice, surprising him every time."_

I hum. "I don't think I've been around for Jimmy's birthday."

_"No?"_

"Yeah, 'cause the first time I met you he was still 15, you and Rowan had already had your birthdays, but you didn't live in London until much later. Every other time you've been on tour."

Lister seems to consider this for a few seconds, then says, _"Well, with any luck we won't be on tour this coming August. You, me and Jimmy can have a horror movie marathon while Rowan sits angled away from the screen."_ Which is...actually a really nice image.

We fall quiet. I get to thinking about yesterday, talking to Jimmy over the phone. Thinking I can maybe score some information that I can report back to Rowan and Jimmy, I decide to ask Lister about his hookup. "Hey, whose apartment did you sleep at after the party? Anyone I know?"

_"Probably not."_

He doesn't elaborate. "What happened to the special guy?" I prompt.

_"Huh?"_

"The guy you said you were talking to. When we were at the party."

 _"Oh."_ He laughs. _"I don't think anything's gonna come of it, really."_

Not if Jimmy doesn't get his shit together, that's for sure. That is if my hunch is right, and Lister is talking about Jim. I find myself wishing Lister would tell me about his feelings, just so I can actually fucking talk to him about it. I try to come up with a way to drop some hints without giving myself away.

He starts talking before I get the chance. _"Y'know how you were talking about serious conversations the other day?"_

"Yeah?"

_"I'm thinking about talking to my therapist about something serious."_

I let out a low whistle. "Scary shit."

_"Yep."_

"How serious?"

_"Like, thinking about talking about it makes me want to die."_

"You talked about it with anyone before?"

Lister stays quiet for a while. _"Not really,"_ he says eventually. _"Not properly, I don't think."_

"How is your therapist? Is she good?" I ask, then venture, "Is she the one for you?"

Lister laughs. _"I think she is, yeah. I talk her fucking ear off without saying a fucking thing most of the time, but I do see what the hype's about."_

I snort out a laugh. "Going to therapy is all about the hype, man." He laughs at that, too, so I continue, "Like, _'Bro, you have got to try out this therapist I've been seeing'."_

To my surprise, he plays along. He puts on this stupid dudebro voice as he says, "'For sure, man, I've been wanting to get in on that for a while,' _. Uh. No, yeah. She's great." ___

____

__

"Nice."

After the long day I've had, talking to someone as undemanding as Lister is weirdly exactly what I need to unwind. There's no awkwardness like there usually is with new friendships, since we've already known each other for so long.

* * *

**Lister Bird**

"That was fucking horrible," I announce to the apartment the moment I'm through the door. "I hate therapy."

I hear a laugh that I instantly recognise to be Jimmy's. I sort of regret entering the house like that, because now Jimmy's going to want to talk to me about it, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and check the fuck out for a few hours.

Still, I'm weak. I follow the sound of his voice into the sitting room.

Jimmy looks up at me. "Bad session?"

"Awful, stressful, don't wanna talk about it." I throw myself down onto the sofa. I silently beg him to go back to whatever he was doing before I got here.

The telepathy does not work one bit. Jimmy sits up a bit, looking at me from the armchair opposite me. "Hey," he says. "Sorry I've been a bit…" He makes a vague gesture with his hand. "Lately."

I wave my hand dismissively. "Nah, I mean. We've all been a bit," I mimic the gesture he made, and he laughs, "lately."

Jimmy nods. "Yeah. But I was just… hung up on something stupid, so… Yeah. Sorry."

"Oh." I sit up a bit. "What was the stupid thing?"

"It was stupid. I'm not gonna say."

If I were in a different mood, I'd push him about it. I always end up pushing him. I hate that about myself. I flop back down onto the sofa, knowing I'd hate myself even more if I pushed him right now.

After a moment, Jimmy nudges my leg with the toe of his sock. "Hey."

I look over at him.

"You wanna hear about all the shit that's been going down with the girls who came to Kent with us?"

I smile. "Yeah, sure."

Jimmy starts talking, and I feel myself zone back out almost immediately, which isn't like me at all. Jimmy's quiet a lot, which means any time he's talking for long periods of time, it's a good day. I want to listen. I can tell he's genuinely excited about telling me this, and it's always good to see the way his face lights up when he talks about Angel. Or, Fereshteh, I mean. It's like she's his secret internet best friend. I think he's really glad he found her.

I try my best to stay focused, but I only catch snippets of the story. My mind keeps wandering.

I guess it's to be expected. Therapy really took it out of me. I was sick with nerves the whole way through, which hasn't happened to me in years. I've always had something to dull the edge before now. Being sober and going to therapy just makes me rediscover things I've spent a great deal of time avoiding.

I'm trying to be productive about it though, which is how I ended up trying for an hour to force myself to talk to my therapist about the woman I had sex with when I was sixteen.

It gets worse every time I try to talk about it. Telling Rowan was easy. Telling Jimmy was harder, because telling Rowan had gone to absolute shit. Now I'm not sure how I should even bring it up. It's not like it's gossip about my first time - I know that now. And even sitting in therapy, where I'm supposed to talk about anything and everything that's on my mind, I couldn't do it. Even though it's been on my mind more and more since I got sober.

I think Jimmy realises that I'm a bit out of it, because he suggests that we have a horror movie night. On a whim, I ask him if he wants to bring Bliss round as well, hoping that she'll be able to hold the conversation better than I can.

An hour later the three of us are in the cinema room. The lights are up and the movie isn't on, but the projector is. Jimmy and I are sat on the sofa, watching Bliss do dramatic readings of insults that our fans send her.

I could tell that Jimmy was a little skeptical of it at first, but Bliss is either numb to it or in a really good mood because she grins and laughs the whole way through it. The blue light being projected onto her acts as a spotlight. She seems to particularly enjoy the memes about her being a homophobe, and I have to agree with her on that one. The irony is fantastic.

Jimmy, on the other hand, gradually curls up into a ball of secondhand embarrassment, which just makes Bliss laugh even more.

"They're your fans!" she points out.

"We don't claim them!" Jimmy whines, muffled by his hands, which are over his face.

We put in the movie and get to the start screen. I get nominated to retrieve the snacks from the kitchen. I pour two bags of popcorn into a massive bowl. After I set the empty bags down, I brace myself against the edge of the counter and stare at it.

I feel my eyes unfocus. I get this weird, numbing, floaty sensation, and it's not a good one.

"Hey," Bliss says.

It hits me like a slap in the face.

"You alright?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

I have no idea how long I was staring into space. 

I watch her go over to the fridge. I realise immediately what she's doing. "I swear you're lactose intolerant," I say, grinning a little.

"Mm-hmm." She holds up a carton of oat milk. "God bless Rowan," she toasts, before drinking directly from it.

I laugh and shake my head. "Help me out with these?"

She puts the milk back in the fridge. "Sure."

As we're selecting all the snacks, my mind keeps drifting. I decide to say something, or else I feel like I might explode. "I went to therapy today."

Bliss hums in acknowledgement, her eyes trained on the breadsticks she's arranging in a glass.

"I didn't have the serious conversation with her," I admit.

She looks up at me. "What serious conversation?"

I frown. Something in me sours. "The one I was telling you about yesterday?"

Her face contorts in exaggerated concentration. "God, you didn't tell me what it was, did you? I'm really sorry if you did."

"No, I didn't. I was just vagueing. Nevermind."

"Okay, good." She throws away the empty breadstick packet, then pauses. "Um. So."

I look at her expectantly.

"That's probably going to happen a lot," she says, matter-of-factly. "The forgetting thing."

"Yeah...?"

Bliss looks at me, and I know I'm not getting something.

"What?" I prompt.

"You know I have ADHD, right?" Bliss says. " _God, I'm fucking this up-_ It's no big deal. I have ADHD. I will forget things you tell me."

She collects up half of the snacks and it hits me that I just missed an important moment for us. I grab the rest and catch up to her.

"I do know," I say after a moment. "Did know. I'm just a bit out of it."

"Yeah?" she says, back to smiles and humour so quickly it feels fake. "You distracted?"

"Sort of."

"Is there someone you're thinking about?" she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.

I snort. "No."

"No? Not the guy from the party? What's his name..."

We're back upstairs now, entering the cinema room, which means it's high time to end this conversation. "Kieran."

"Gross."

Jimmy looks up at us and holds his hands out. I pass him the bowl of popcorn. "No, it's weird," I say, deciding to kill two birds with one stone. "I got with him before, like, two years ago, and I swear, he hasn't changed at all. It's well jarring."

Bliss doesn't respond immediately. She shares a severe look with Jimmy, and it makes me feel sick. I keep talking. "Like, most people at least change their hair during that time. It's like going back home and seeing someone you went to school with, except I didn't even fucking go to school with him."

"You've been with him before?" Jimmy echoes.

Bliss ignores Jimmy and says, quite emphatically, "Sounds like a boring fucking guy."

"For real," I say, and in my periphery Jimmy turn away to look at the screen.

Bliss takes the remote. "Shall we?"

* * *

"Are you and Kieran gonna become a thing, then?"

It's late. Bliss has gone home. I'm sat at the breakfast bar, trying not to think about the impending question of whether Jimmy will sleep in my bed tonight.

I let out a laugh. "Definitely not."

Jimmy smiles teasingly. "Is he as boring as Bliss says he is?"

"Bliss doesn't know what she's on about, she's never met him," I say. "But yes. He is a bit boring. And, y'know, boring is good sometimes. Refreshing, y'know?"

Jimmy laughs.

"It's like I said before," I continue. "We keep coming back to this. No one else gets it."

"No one else gets it," Jimmy agrees.

"You don't think it's weird, do you?" I ask. "I'm trying not to be weird about it."

"What?"

"Me hooking up with Kieran."

"Why would I be weird about it?"

He sounds defensive, which isn't a good sign. "I dunno. You were weird before. When you asked me who I've had sex with."

Jimmy pauses to think about it, then shakes his head. "That was the week of the Kent Thing. I swear, I'm not being weird about it on purpose."

"Good." I rake a hand through my hair. "God, this sucks, doesn't it?"

Jimmy sits down beside me. "The dating thing? Yeah. It does."

I nod. I want so desperately to sink into the floor. I want him to hold me, tightly, until there's nothing left of me. I chance a look at him. He is so beautiful.

"Rowan's through the ringer about Bliss," Jimmy says quietly. He lets out a laugh. "It's probably good that he was out tonight."

"Yeah," I agree, as if I knew this beforehand. Rowan never tells me anything. "Though, it would be interesting to see them actually talk for once."

Jimmy shakes his head. "They talk all the time."

"No shit?"

"I mean, not as much as for six consecutive hours every goddamn day of our tour," Jimmy concedes, laughing. "But, yeah. They still talk loads."

"Ugh, imagine."

Imagine loving someone that much. Knowing and being known. Jesus Christ.

"Unfortunately we both still have the claim on _'Least likely to talk about their problems'_ out of this friend group."

I snort. "Okay, Mr. Run-Away-To-Kent." Jimmy smiles at me and quirks his eyebrows. I rest my chin in my hand. "We're working on it, though."

"Mm."

We fall quiet.

I think about today. I want to tell him. Or, rather, I want to be able to tell him. Someday. I want to tell him that I love him. That he means the world to me. That I'm trying, I really am, and that on good days I can tell it really is working.

Not now, though. Not yet. I just...can't.

I settle for something in between. "Hooking up with Kieran was bad. Not 'cause he's boring, like… I think it's just about connection."

"You should probably get yourself a boyfriend then," Jimmy says, then amends, "A partner."

I snort. "If _only_ it were that _simple..._ " 

Jimmy hums. "Rowan's trying to convince me that it is."

I look at him. This is New Crush territory. "Scale of one to ten, how full of shit is he?"

He see-saws his hand. "Depending on a lot of stuff, he's either completely full of shit or actually knows what he's talking about."

My heart sinks. How is there a guy Jimmy's crushing on that Rowan knows so much about, meanwhile I know nothing? I'm convinced I'll never break through with these two.

"I think he's full of shit," I say, jealousy swelling inside of me. "If only 'cause he's trying to convince me of the same thing."

I sit with my heart in my throat as Jimmy processes my words. He doesn't move, and I begin to think it might've gone over his head. I'll admit, it wasn't the clearest I could've been.

There's a small, near-imperceptible change to Jimmy's expression. I only notice because I'm looking for it. Slowly, he turns his head to look at me. It's all I can do to wait in silence and anticipation.

He doesn't say anything about it. Breathes in like he's about to, then turns away as he thinks better of it. He nods resolutely. "Uh, how tired are you feeling? I don't feel like going to bed yet."

I offer him a small smile. I'll join him in ignoring that feeble attempt to address my feelings. "Wanna find something stupid on Netflix?"

Jimmy smiles. "Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u to all my mutuals for supporting me while struggling with this chapter, and anyone and everyone who's interacted with this fic since the last update. y'all helped me push through
> 
> talk to me on tumblr @paintedstudy or on my main @kindaorangey

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is my baby, i'm dying to talk about it. my tumblr is @paintedstudy, send me questions if u want!!!
> 
> i dont have an update schedule. a lot of the next chapter is written, i just need to get a better hold on the whole fic before i go about putting up more chapters


End file.
